I've been lurking on the board for a couple months now and trying to read some of the books from the sticky and just try to gain awareness and figure out how I move on from here. It's pretty long but I wanted to provide as much context as possible.
I've realized that my MOO is a narc mostly because she has removed the mask quite obviously in the last year. She and my dad are currently on TO since mid-May. I am constantly grieved by my want for a normal mother-daughter relationship. Logically I realize this will never happen yet here I am. How do I move past?
A bit of BG on the situation with my MOO to give context
We've never really been close even though I basically grew up with her being a single mom since my dad worked overseas and was only around for a month every 3-4 months. She's spent my entire life pitting my brother and I against each other (this is true for my dad as well) and alienating my dad from both his kids.
Things basically came to head when DH and I announced our pregnancy last May. They lived a 4 hour plane ride away and usually fly to a warmer location (my home country) for a couple months in the winter. On the way to this spot, they will always "visit" with us by informing us that they are flying out of the airport in our city. The number of days they will be staying with us is usually never provided and they do the same when flying back from this destination.
Just before their trip out, we found out that I was pregnant. We decided to wait until their return trip to announce the pregnancy to them - this would be their first grandchild. After we announced, my mother said something along of the lines of "well I figured as much since you were acting quite odd this morning". I don't think she ever congratulated us. This was the day they were to fly back out.
Before their trip to my country of origin, my dad had his contract terminated at work. She took the announcement as an opportunity to TELL me that they would be packing up their things and moving in with us to help me through my pregnancy (not sure with what) but since my DH and I were both in a rush to get to work we didn't discuss much except me saying I don't think i need your help.
Things stayed quiet for a few weeks until I received some mail for them for their taxes and offered to mail it to them (they are constantly moving and use our address as their permanent address). This is how our exchange went and I feel so completely spineless and ashamed revisiting this now
Me: Got a big package in the mail from __ for you
MOO: No we are coming to 'my' state
Me: ok sounds good. When are you guys coming?
MOO: Booked tickets for Tuesday (it was Friday)
Me: Ok thanks
MOO: Thanks why
Me: thanks for letting me know
MOO: We are not sure about anything but got cheap tickets so we booked the tickets
Me: Ok sounds good. Why didn't you let me know too?
MOO: Just booked the tickets yesterday night. Is it ok to come over on June 23rd?
Me: Yes that's fine.
Me: It's not about when you're coming but it's nice to be in the loop on when so I can get everything ready
MOO: We are not sure and dad was thinking of cancelling the tickets. THat is on of the reason for not letting you know. And I believe dad has informed you
Me: Informed me? (she was clearly trying to gaslight me and I was getting angry)
MOO: That is what he said
Me: Ok
MOO: Don't worry we will do all the grocery shopping when we come - let us know if you need anything
They forced their way into our home and although I tried or thought I tried, I wasn't able to stop them.Their visits are always a disaster as my DH and I have to walk on eggshells as my MOO completely takes over our kitchen and forces their meals on us since my dad will only eat what my mom prepares.
They said they weren't planning to live with us but that my older brother who is 35 and was living with his GF had decided that they were going to move in together. They said they needed to come into town and look at apartments themselves before committing and would be gone by the end of the month. They weren't gone by the end of the month and refused to commit to a date when they were leaving. They kept having rentals fall through for one reason or another (too dirty, landlord was sketchy, etc). Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and confronted her (this was July 6th or 7th) and she refused to talk about and said that she cared too much for my safety on the road and wouldn't get into an argument with me about it.
They eventually left on July 10th after I turned off the internet on them (they spent all day online and went over our limit) without giving us much details but obviously very upset. We didn't talk much after this as I really wasn't sure what to do - I was obviously upset but knew they'd never apologize. I'd get calls and texts every so often to urge me to call her since she never knew when I was busy and worried about me/my pregnancy.
Several months went by and I tried to let things go and we visited them - they now lived an hour away. She spent the entire time giving me the silent treatment and spent most of the time with my brother in the basement.
In October for my shower, she brought my dad along - they seem to ALWAYS go everywhere together. My DH thought it'd make more sense for my dad to come hang out at our home rather than the baby shower and took him home. MOO spent the shower ignoring me, talking to only one friend from highschool that attended and guilt tripping me constantly about the fact that my dad was STARVING because I hadn't let him stay (it was a brunch shower).
FF - my DD was born Dec 16th. We'd asked my parents to get the flu vaccine and my dad refused and said he wouldn't come around the baby until afterwards. MOO took the vaccine and constantly messaged to visit after we came home from the hospital with promises of food (she did deliver on that). Visits were awkward and she'd boss me around to fetch her drink and snack while she held my baby.
They decided to fly back to my country of origin again in January but the day before they left MOO called to guilt me into letting dad see the baby since they were flying and "you never know what could happen". PP was a crazy time for us as we had to move 2 hours away for DH job right away and we were living in hotels/apart for a while. They came back right before Easter and spinelessly I offered to let them visit for Easter. MOO shut it down saying they don't travel on Good Friday (they're barely religious). So DH and I decided to visit since we'd be passing by their town so DD could meet her grandpa and uncle (my brother).
Since then, they've visited twice - once in April and again in May. The visit in April was when DH was at work and was horrendous:
- MOO gave me the silent treatment the whole time
- Snatched DD out of my arms as soon I came in the room with her
- Brought lunch for her and my dad only. They ate while I watched and decided to go feed DD and hoped she'd fall asleep so I could end the visit - she didn't. When I came back down, MOO offered me her scraps since she'd miscalculated and didn't want to cart them back home - I declined.
- Dad asked as he was leaving when I'd eat (it was almost 2 at this point). MOO didn't look at me the whole time
-MOO constantly compared DD's features to brother's features and never talks about how she looks like me
- DD is mixed (DH is white and I am Indian) and DD looks white as well. MOO constantly compliments her skin tone and hopes she "doesn't darken up"
- P/A comments to DD about how "mommy abandons her on the play mat, poor darling wish granny could hold/play with you all day"
The visit in May - I decided it would be when DH was around to see if she'd behave...she was better, but barely:
- MOO snatched DD again multiple times. Commented that she looked much smaller than in pictures and how "terrible mommy was at taking pics"
- Dad offered to DH that DH could send me back to work and DD and I could live with them during the week and they'd watch DD for us (I'm on maternity leave until next year, which they're aware of)
-MOO made us promise to let us visit DD at least once a month and wanted it to be the date of her birth (20th)
After that visit I decided that MOO only wants to be around because of DD. She can't be civil to me at all in person yet will phone me to guilt me about not calling or that one day she'll be gone and I'll be the one sad about it.
This is so long - but I guess my question is where do I go from here? I am reading Will I ever be good enough and working through some of the other books. I really can't imagine CO but at this point it makes me cry thinking about our relationship and I'm riddled with anxiety at the thought of their visit. Even messages from her send me into a spiral.