I have some background here already, the issues pertaining to my in-laws might be relevant: http://community.babycenter.com/post/a61601860/is-my-family-toxic-worried-about-los-birth-long.-update-question-3-4
Things have completely turned around... My mum has been very careful to treat me as an adult and to not stomp on any boundaries. We have talked a lot about things these past few months. She is the child of an alcoholic and physically abusive father and an enabling mother. I understand that some of her controlling ways are her way to try and ensure our childhood was as perfect and loving as possible, her wanting us to have the best. She recognises her controlling ways. She has been a great support since LO's birth for breastfeeding. I struggled a lot, and still do a bit, and she was a great help and never gave me advice without my asking (She hasn't met LO yet as it hasn't been possible). I have no idea how that was possible, but I am glad of this.
Anyway, cut to now.
My LO is 3 weeks old. I am getting resentful about my in-laws, especially SIL and MIL because of a few things that happened. I will try to keep it as short as possible.
We didn't tell anyone I was in labour after taking advice from DWIL. It was amazing. I didn't want any visitors in the hospital, since I was only staying for one night. I don't know if the ILs or DuH wanted them to come, but MIL and FIL showed up for 10 minutes about 30 minutes before we left. I hadn't slept in almost 36 hours and no one was touching my baby. MIL showed up, kissed me and then put her bag down and rolled her sleeves up, she was totally ready to take the baby. I didn't offer to give them LO and I think they didn't dare ask. When I'm annoyed, I turn into a brick wall, which is what I did. They left after 10 minutes as they had something else to do.
I didn't want any visitors the first few days, but SIL kept pestering DH to come. So SIL and MIL came when LO was 4 days old. They showed up an hour late. I was in the bedroom trying to feed LO, at the time BF was a nightmare. When she came through the door, SIL didn't even ask DH if he was ok or congratulate him, she asked where LO was. DH said LO was nursing upstairs with me and no one was to go in the bedroom. After a while I was still struggling with BF so DH came to take LO and calm him down in another room so he wouldn't smell the milk and get mad, which is what we had to do a few times. Next thing I know fucking SIL is holding my baby. I wasn't ready for this. I ended up having an anxiety attack because they had taken my baby. Then MIL thought I was crying because of BFing and tried to offer advice. They hogged him for close to an hour and I was in a right state. I should have said something but I wasn't feeling the best. DuH should have sorted it. He tried to come and comfort me but MIL wouldn't let him. I only got LO back because he needed fed. And then I hid in the bedroom and didn't come out.
Next issue – LO is 8 days old, Father's Day. We agreed to meet the IL for Father's Day for afternoon tea. DH's day, his choice. FIL held LO for 10 minutes as he hadn't yet, and then gave him back to me as everyone was getting hot drinks. LO needed fed so I went away to feed. When I came back, they had all decided to go to IL's for dinner. DuH asked in front of everyone if I minded, I was a coward and said “I don't know” which means no, but hey, my fault. I still wasn't feeling myself. I was sore from the birth, LO was tiny, but we drive to the IL's. Once we get there, I give LO to DH to go to the bathroom, next thing I know, SIL is fucking hogging my baby again. For an entire hour. She wouldn't take the million hints we gave her, she wouldn't let MIL hold LO after she asked. I finally got him back because he needed fed. Then I held him and didn't let anyone hold him after that. I had dinner holding my baby, because I was scared someone would take him if I put him in his seat like DH suggested.
The next day was DH's birthday and we had dinner at a restaurant. DH, LO and I were slightly late so the IL were already seated on a bench. We had to put LO in his car seat on the bench, next to SIL. A normal person would have swapped seats with one of the parents so they could be near their baby, but not SIL. She spent the entire fucking dinner touching LO's head, hands, feet, while he was sleeping, despite me, DH and FIL giving hints. I don't want my child bothered when he sleeps, especially in the middle of a restaurant. As we got up to leave, SIL then handed me the heavy car seat with LO in it although I wasn't supposed to lift anything heavy...
The week after, LO is two weeks old. On the Saturday, DH invited his grandparents to meet LO. They were driven by FIL (their son). Fair enough. They held LO for a normal amount of time and gave him back to me. Then MIL showed up as she didn't want to miss out on anything and stayed behind when FIL left to drive GPIL back. And then held my baby. I don't want to deprive her of a relationship with her grandson but nobody needs to hold him but his parents.
On the Sunday, we had said we weren't going anywhere, so MIL asked to come to give us some presents from her friends (and then gave DH a lecture about writing thank you cards...). So MIL and FIL showed up. SIL was nursing and couldn't make it. I was Bfing when they arrived so went downstairs later. I was holding LO who had just finished nursing for his post dinner cuddles. I had just sad down when MIL asked to hold him. I said no, not now, he needs to gets settled after feeding as he has some issues. She said OK and then proceeded to wait. I tried to wait her out but after like half an hour DH asked me if I wanted to let other people hold him. MIL is not too bad, she held LO for a while and then passes him to FIL (I HATE this passing the baby game). But MIL didn't give LO back when he started fretting – it was a poo fret, but still. I hate this. And then she asked FIL to kiss LO goodbye, which FIL refused to do as he doesn't want to give LO his germs. MIL also asked if she could come during the week so SIL could see LO. I said no, I'm busy.
Now they are asking if we are visiting at the weekend and DuH said Saturday or Sunday without consulting me... SIL misses LO, you see. DH went back to work on Monday, he hasn't been with us all week except in the evening and wants to spend some weekend time with the IL...
SIL never had a relationship with me prior to LO's birth, she never asked once about him during my pregnancy and she is now trying to play Auntie of the Year. She also claims she is one of LO's two aunts, as if BIL's wife and BOO's partner were not his aunts. She also told us that “love will be forced upon [LO]”. I do not like this sentence, nothing will be forced on him.
I know I need to use my big girl words, but I struggled post partum and couldn't manage. I do not want to see the IL every week.
What steps would you advise me to take to prevent this from escalating further?
