BG: MIL lives 4 hours away in another state, but she visits and stays with us one weekend a month. She has attempted to boundary stomp some since LO was born but DH has always shut her down hard before this, and she accepted it without complaint. This incident took place over 4th of July weekend. DH and I are headed to counseling, but I need to know if there is something I'm missing that I need to pay attention to that would be helpful for counseling.
DH and I went out to dinner, we were gone approximately 3 hours. When we returned home, MIL told us sheepishly/justifyingly/defensively (because we have told her MANY TIMES that NOTHING IS TO BE IN THE CRIB) that LO was cold so she put her to bed with a blanket. I ran upstairs and found her with a fluffy fleece blanket in her face. Ripped it off and threw it in a corner. Stood over the crib with my hand on her back to make sure she was breathing. DH came to check on us, assured me he was "mad too" then went back downstairs. Went to bed alone because DH was with his mother.
Didn't sleep all night because I was so angry and amped up.
In the morning, I got LO up and went downstairs. I looked in the fridge and discovered MIL had 4 beers while we were gone. I expected an apology. MIL acted like nothing happened, even after DH showed her research about how dangerous it was to have anything in the crib, she still said nothing and kept trying to play with LO. Now I was shaking and fuming.
I took LO with me upstairs and closed the door to get ready for work. DH stayed downstairs with his mother. I decided I would have to take LO with me to work and ask MIL to leave, because she was obviously not a safe person if she would put LO in danger and not care.
Came downstairs to fix LO's bottles and pack for work, MIL became hysterical. I told her she needed to leave and she started crying and yelling, "you can't take the baby away from me!" Over and over. I said, "I am her mother and you are not. You put her in an unsafe situation and disobeyed our parenting for our daughter." Then she said, "so, you don't trust DH to take care of her while you're gone?" I said, "DH is perfectly capable. I do not trust you." Then she started getting angry and defensive, saying "I would never hurt the baby, I've never done anything to hurt the baby." So I reminded her that this isn't the first time she's put LO to bed with a blanket. Which she flatly denied but admitted to putting her to bed with a stuffed animal. At this point I gave DH a "you best help me right now" look and he said, "I have to take OP's side."
At that, MIL became even more hysterical and yelled more. "Is this it? I can never be here again?" I said, "no one is saying that. But right now we can't trust that LO is safe with you."
She got LO out of her high chair while my back was turned and DH allowed it. I told DH he needed to take the baby from her NOW. He did, and followed us to the garage. We had a quick goodbye and I reiterated she needed to be gone when I got home from work. He agreed.
I come home and find out she was there for several hours after I left. We left at 8:45 and she didn't leave until 10:30 or 11. In that time, she and DH talked. Where she said things like I will leave DH and steal LO from him, I am the problem, I've changed her son, etc. She said all she wants now are pictures and DH agreed. She took a picture of LO's empty high chair on her way out, saying, "this is all I have left."
After she left and returned home, she started texting DH. She texted a study from AAP about swaddling, thinking it proved we were actually the ones being unsafe, except it said we were doing the exact right things. Then she texted that she knew HER SON would never treat my mom as awful as I had treated her.
I found out later that week that he was still texting her pictures. I asked him to stop. He said he would. He's on board with the counseling, because he "knew MIL's behavior made him feel it was wrong but couldn't explain why."
Things I need to remember:
1. MIL knew the boundary and crossed it anyway, because she thinks her opinion matters more than our parenting.
2. She put LO in active danger and didn't care. When made aware of it (again) she got angry and blamed me instead of being concerned for LO's safety. Then after the fact tried to research and find evidence that she was right and argue about it.
3. She drank 4 beers in 3 hours while she was supposed to be responsible for LO.
4. She attempted to divide our marriage by trying to convince DH that I'm horrible.
5. When confronted with a consequence for her behavior she became hysterical and treated LO like her possession.
6. At every point DH attempted to take the path of least resistance instead of standing up for me and LO (talking again instead of an actual boundary, introducing "sides" like both MIL and I get a say in our family, letting her stay in our home even after I asked her to leave, still texting with her after all of this, letting someone verbally attack his wife and call her names and not do anything about it).
7. DH reinforced her idea that we're divided/I'm the problem by agreeing to keep sending pictures and generally rugsweeping, which sends the message that he thinks she is right.
So if you stayed all the way through that, thanks. MIL is on TO right now, there is no contact and no upcoming visits, even with LO's first birthday next month. What am I missing here? What do I need to add to my list of reasons this is insane and need to address with the counselor?
DH and I went out to dinner, we were gone approximately 3 hours. When we returned home, MIL told us sheepishly/justifyingly/defensively (because we have told her MANY TIMES that NOTHING IS TO BE IN THE CRIB) that LO was cold so she put her to bed with a blanket. I ran upstairs and found her with a fluffy fleece blanket in her face. Ripped it off and threw it in a corner. Stood over the crib with my hand on her back to make sure she was breathing. DH came to check on us, assured me he was "mad too" then went back downstairs. Went to bed alone because DH was with his mother.
Didn't sleep all night because I was so angry and amped up.
In the morning, I got LO up and went downstairs. I looked in the fridge and discovered MIL had 4 beers while we were gone. I expected an apology. MIL acted like nothing happened, even after DH showed her research about how dangerous it was to have anything in the crib, she still said nothing and kept trying to play with LO. Now I was shaking and fuming.
I took LO with me upstairs and closed the door to get ready for work. DH stayed downstairs with his mother. I decided I would have to take LO with me to work and ask MIL to leave, because she was obviously not a safe person if she would put LO in danger and not care.
Came downstairs to fix LO's bottles and pack for work, MIL became hysterical. I told her she needed to leave and she started crying and yelling, "you can't take the baby away from me!" Over and over. I said, "I am her mother and you are not. You put her in an unsafe situation and disobeyed our parenting for our daughter." Then she said, "so, you don't trust DH to take care of her while you're gone?" I said, "DH is perfectly capable. I do not trust you." Then she started getting angry and defensive, saying "I would never hurt the baby, I've never done anything to hurt the baby." So I reminded her that this isn't the first time she's put LO to bed with a blanket. Which she flatly denied but admitted to putting her to bed with a stuffed animal. At this point I gave DH a "you best help me right now" look and he said, "I have to take OP's side."
At that, MIL became even more hysterical and yelled more. "Is this it? I can never be here again?" I said, "no one is saying that. But right now we can't trust that LO is safe with you."
She got LO out of her high chair while my back was turned and DH allowed it. I told DH he needed to take the baby from her NOW. He did, and followed us to the garage. We had a quick goodbye and I reiterated she needed to be gone when I got home from work. He agreed.
I come home and find out she was there for several hours after I left. We left at 8:45 and she didn't leave until 10:30 or 11. In that time, she and DH talked. Where she said things like I will leave DH and steal LO from him, I am the problem, I've changed her son, etc. She said all she wants now are pictures and DH agreed. She took a picture of LO's empty high chair on her way out, saying, "this is all I have left."
After she left and returned home, she started texting DH. She texted a study from AAP about swaddling, thinking it proved we were actually the ones being unsafe, except it said we were doing the exact right things. Then she texted that she knew HER SON would never treat my mom as awful as I had treated her.
I found out later that week that he was still texting her pictures. I asked him to stop. He said he would. He's on board with the counseling, because he "knew MIL's behavior made him feel it was wrong but couldn't explain why."
Things I need to remember:
1. MIL knew the boundary and crossed it anyway, because she thinks her opinion matters more than our parenting.
2. She put LO in active danger and didn't care. When made aware of it (again) she got angry and blamed me instead of being concerned for LO's safety. Then after the fact tried to research and find evidence that she was right and argue about it.
3. She drank 4 beers in 3 hours while she was supposed to be responsible for LO.
4. She attempted to divide our marriage by trying to convince DH that I'm horrible.
5. When confronted with a consequence for her behavior she became hysterical and treated LO like her possession.
6. At every point DH attempted to take the path of least resistance instead of standing up for me and LO (talking again instead of an actual boundary, introducing "sides" like both MIL and I get a say in our family, letting her stay in our home even after I asked her to leave, still texting with her after all of this, letting someone verbally attack his wife and call her names and not do anything about it).
7. DH reinforced her idea that we're divided/I'm the problem by agreeing to keep sending pictures and generally rugsweeping, which sends the message that he thinks she is right.
So if you stayed all the way through that, thanks. MIL is on TO right now, there is no contact and no upcoming visits, even with LO's first birthday next month. What am I missing here? What do I need to add to my list of reasons this is insane and need to address with the counselor?
