So, been a lurker since 2007, originally with the birth board. Found this board about a year or so ago.
Background. Dh and I married in 2005. ( we were both 35 years old) We have two beautiful boys DS1 is nine, DS2 is six.
So, his family is subject for another day. MY mamma is what this post is about. So, Daddy worked out of town maybe eight months of the year on Construction sites while my older sister and I grew up. So Mamma was #1 parent. She was strict on us to "keep you safe". We were not abused, we had everything we needed, well loved and well kinda enjoyed being enmeshed. Lived in same small town, talked every day yadda yadda yadda.
My sister married young. Had her son and daughter, who are now in their twenties. Remarried and her DH had three sons around the same ages. My sister is great. If my kids turn out as good as hers, I will be so thank full.
In 2010, Dh, I and boys moved 300 miles to our now home city. I told DH that it would be hard on me, but we both knew the move just might save our marriage. It was hard, hard. Cue gnashing of teeth from parents and sister. It was all about THEM.
But I don't regret it. I didn't even see how bad my enmeshment was until we had been here two years. At the time of the move I told myself it was to escape his bad job and his parents. I later realized we had escaped mine as well!
My parents are in their early seventies, Daddy is not in the best of health. His heart is weak and they have found a cyst on his brain. Thankfully it is not cancer.
Anxiety and depression run in my family. My oldest son had an anxiety attack in his kindergarten classroom. It was a tough year. We found a wonderful counselor I will call Anne, she is Christian based and has taught him how to recognize the anxiety and how to work his way through it. The difference in him now and then is absolutely amazing!
While taking DS to his counselor, she has made of a point of counseling all four of us at times. Making sure to talk with DH and I about things and telling us its important that DH and I are well emotionally too. While talking to her about things I realized HOW enmeshed I am with Mamma. I can see now that it has affected not only my marriage, but my kids as well. I also started reading here. At first it was just entertaining and a relief to say "Hey, my bunch isn't even that bad ahahahaha". BUT, the more I learn. Holy cow the more I see that my Mamma, whom I love dearly, has some real narc tactics.
I have been fighting off taking our kids on any trip that means flying since they were born. Dh loves to fly. He is on a plane right now for China, on a business trip! I have flown too. I kept fighting him off. Then two months ago Anne asked me "What is the most terrifying thing you can imagine happening on that plane?" I didn't have an answer. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I am more afraid of telling Mamma, then dying in a fire ball plane crash!
How screwed up is that??? So, I made my mind up. We are going on a family trip. We are FLYING to Lego Land! We are going to have the best time. I had not planned on telling Mamma about the plane. Was just going to sweep past it. But two weeks ago, DS1 let it slip. ACK! I had not told them to not tell her.
She is sad that I am willing to put my children in such danger.
She angry that I lied years ago when I told her that I wouldn't put them on a plane.
She is heartbroken that I am "Doing this to her and Daddy"
Saturday was DS2 birthday party. I called Mamma while getting last minute stuff and she asked me. "Are you putting my grandchildren on a plane?" I said "Yes I am." we talked about WHY!?? She asked Why I am doing this to her and Daddy. I said "It isn't about you, It about my family going on vacation and having fun"
Jesus Christ, she hit the Narc Trifecta in ONE BREATH.
"This is not my daughter talking,I feel like I am talking to your Dh. This is killing your Daddy and me. WHY are you doing this to us?"
I was speechless. How many times have I read these lines form other posters. I almost dropped my phone. I repeated. "It isn't about YOU." then DH beeped and I told her I had to go.
TRIGGER
She texted me later that night. At first it was everyday stuff, then she brings up the shootings in Orlando. I made a joke that we don't take the kids out to night clubs.
She sent to me "This is not my daughter talking".
I sent back, "You know darn well it is. Lets not be silly"
So, I have already done the low contact. I have gone from talking to her everyday to maybe every two or three days. There are times I can't wait to call her. But the last month or so it is all about "We are getting older. You don't seem to care or miss us. I just assumed you would come home as soon as the kids got out of school...."
So, I need help with the guilt of it. OH THE GUILT! I need advice on how to continue the LC. alot of this I have learned from reading here. But it is so hard to do in real life! Help me stay focused!
I told DH Saturday that I;m sure I am a WUH, I told him how much I love and appreciate what he has put up with. He joked that he had kept score and would let me work it off, wink wink. 