I originally had this on the March 2016 bb and was advised to share it here.
Okay. So let me just start by saying my MIL don't have a bad relationship. She has done a lot for my husband and I this past year with us buying our first house. She always thinks about us and treats me like her own child. I by no means have a monster in law. However, she can be very passive aggressive. Now. Here's the problem.
When I have the baby, I want my husband, my best friend who happens to be a doula, and my mom in the room. I've explained why to my husband and made him aware that's what I'm comfortable with and that's the support system I want. I'm a FTM and have no idea how any of this goes. My mom had 5 babies and my best friend obviously knows stuff because she's a doula and has been through births with people. They know how I would prefer things to go, before, during, and after and will fully support me.
My husband told me last night that his mom called him yesterday and is hurt that I don't want her there when I have the baby. I'm not comfortable with that in the slightest. 1) She used to be a L&D nurse at the hospital I'm delivering at and I don't want her going into work mode and overwhelming me, saying I should do this or that when I don't need or want to. 2) She is very much so a "my way is the right way" type of person and I don't want that around me when I'm delivering. 3) I have never done this before and I'm not comfortable with her seeing me in pain, uncomfortable, possibly vomiting, and exposing my vagina to her. I've explained all of this to my husband and I'm worried that he doesn't really understand. I think he sees it as my mom will be there so his mom should be there instead of seeing it as who I'm most comfortable with to have there to support me.
He said, "So you're not going to be nice and let my mom in." No. No I'm not. "Remember she's dying and this is her grandchild, too." (She's been battling ovarian cancer since I met my husband and we all thought last Christmas would be her last one). Her grandchild or not, it's not about her right now. I don't typically say it's about me, but right now it is about me. I don't need unnecessary stress in that room and she will make me stress out. Especially with her and my mom both in there since they don't really see eye to eye with much.
She is more than welcome to come immediately after. Or wait in the waiting room. But I do not want her there when I'm pushing a baby out of my body because I'm not comfortable with that and that's all it comes down to. My husband is a people pleaser and doesn't want to make his mom upset. I'm trying to be nice about it but it really irritates me that the 'she's dying' card was pulled. For once, it is not about her (well, shouldn't be) and she's making it about her and what she wants vs what I want for bringing my own son into the world. She just expected that she would be in there when neither my husband or I had mentioned or asked her to be present. And it bothers me more that she won't talk directly to me about it (because she doesn't want tension or anger between us) and is instead putting my husband between her and I, which she also did with our wedding.
Okay. So let me just start by saying my MIL don't have a bad relationship. She has done a lot for my husband and I this past year with us buying our first house. She always thinks about us and treats me like her own child. I by no means have a monster in law. However, she can be very passive aggressive. Now. Here's the problem.
When I have the baby, I want my husband, my best friend who happens to be a doula, and my mom in the room. I've explained why to my husband and made him aware that's what I'm comfortable with and that's the support system I want. I'm a FTM and have no idea how any of this goes. My mom had 5 babies and my best friend obviously knows stuff because she's a doula and has been through births with people. They know how I would prefer things to go, before, during, and after and will fully support me.
My husband told me last night that his mom called him yesterday and is hurt that I don't want her there when I have the baby. I'm not comfortable with that in the slightest. 1) She used to be a L&D nurse at the hospital I'm delivering at and I don't want her going into work mode and overwhelming me, saying I should do this or that when I don't need or want to. 2) She is very much so a "my way is the right way" type of person and I don't want that around me when I'm delivering. 3) I have never done this before and I'm not comfortable with her seeing me in pain, uncomfortable, possibly vomiting, and exposing my vagina to her. I've explained all of this to my husband and I'm worried that he doesn't really understand. I think he sees it as my mom will be there so his mom should be there instead of seeing it as who I'm most comfortable with to have there to support me.
He said, "So you're not going to be nice and let my mom in." No. No I'm not. "Remember she's dying and this is her grandchild, too." (She's been battling ovarian cancer since I met my husband and we all thought last Christmas would be her last one). Her grandchild or not, it's not about her right now. I don't typically say it's about me, but right now it is about me. I don't need unnecessary stress in that room and she will make me stress out. Especially with her and my mom both in there since they don't really see eye to eye with much.
She is more than welcome to come immediately after. Or wait in the waiting room. But I do not want her there when I'm pushing a baby out of my body because I'm not comfortable with that and that's all it comes down to. My husband is a people pleaser and doesn't want to make his mom upset. I'm trying to be nice about it but it really irritates me that the 'she's dying' card was pulled. For once, it is not about her (well, shouldn't be) and she's making it about her and what she wants vs what I want for bringing my own son into the world. She just expected that she would be in there when neither my husband or I had mentioned or asked her to be present. And it bothers me more that she won't talk directly to me about it (because she doesn't want tension or anger between us) and is instead putting my husband between her and I, which she also did with our wedding.