Longtime lurker.. First time posting and I'm shocked it's about DF's family and not mine. My mom is classic NPD, father classic enabler, sister GC, me scapegoat. Been on LC for years, done therapy, mostly over it all but I need to make sure it's not coloring my interpretation of DF's recent issues with his family.
He is 27, has a 30-year old sister. She's been single for a long time and lives alone in a major city, has a good job, masters degree, previously lived all over the world for several years, and definitely did not just fall off the turnip truck. However his parents have always babied and coddled her, but treated DF with far less concern, interest, and affection. It has been a BEC issue to me ever since I first noticed this dynamic, but he is devoted to the concept of family (way more than his sister is, ironically - though she doesn't reject their help), and he isn't primed to notice GC dynamics like me, so he shrugged it off. To give some examples, when he moved houses, lost his job and his car broke down this month (shitty month..), his parents offered no help, but when his sister moved to a new city on the East Coast this year and planned to use public transport instead of a car, their parents freaked out and actually went to the dealership to inquire about purchasing a Lexus for her. Before DF was laid off, he flew for work weekly and constantly faced delays, multiple connecting flights each Monday morning and Thursday night, and snowy conditions this year; no response from family. Meanwhile his mother expressed worry to me that his sister, who I repeat is 30, has a 10 minute walk to the private company shuttlebus stop for work in the mornings, can you believe it, she has to ride THE BUS and it must be so cold in winter so she (his mother) needs to buy her winter clothes!!! There's also the little things like mom always making sister's favorite foods for holidays and announcing it to everyone but never doing the same for DF, and talking about sister to me and DF on and on and on every time we visit with them, when sister is not even there, showing that her mind is never on DF.
The parents have never visited us in our city, despite DF's devotion to them, and despite the fact that the entire extended family lives in the same city as DF and me. Instead, they visit his sister, going on all her apartment hunts, helping her move in. When she got locked out of her apartment on the way to a party during ther last visit, they left their restaurant in the middle of dinner to go help her, paid for a locksmith, then drove her through the traffic hell of a major city downtown to the party (instead of making her wait for a free spare key from the landlord - they said with straight faces that they didn't want her to be late for her party!!!). I can go on but this is getting long so let me explain the present confrontation.
In addition to recently losing his job and having his car break down, DF and I recently found out that our rental house (that we signed the lease for the day before he was fired...) needs major repairs and the landlord needed us to stay somewhere else during repairs for at least 5-6 days (till next Tuesday). We decided to come stay with his parents in Hometown and here we are. It works out well since we can give them a ride to the airport at 530AM this Saturday as they are leaving for a vacation.
Here is where sister comes in. She flies into Hometown on Sunday night for a one-day work conference on Monday, and flies out on Monday night. DF and I were not planning to stay in Hometown after Saturday - we were hoping to go to his family's lake house in Lake Town, or go crash with friends in Friend Town. The problem is that DF's parents want him to stay in Hometown till Monday, so that he can cart Sister and her coworkers to and from the airport while her parents are away on vacation. I don't know what this family has against cabs or Ubers. They are millionaires, it's not a money issue. (Also - Keep in mind that just 2 weeks ago, DF and I picked up sister from the airport, hosted her overnight, in our rental house, and dropped her off at the crack of dawn when she had a layover in our city.)
DF doesn't want to stay in Hometown for all of Saturday, Sunday, and Monday just to give his sister rides. Especially since his parents will be gone on vacation and there's no further business for us here. He loves his sister very much and craves time with her, but since she's getting in so late Sunday night, and only staying in town for a work conference all day Monday, they won't even get to hang out beyond the chauffeuring.
When DF said no to his parents, they became enraged. His mom started crying (no joke) about Faaamily, and his father said: ""You stay and help her or you leave here on Saturday and you can stay wherever you can find to stay .. Find somewhere else." DF said that was fine, and that we would go stay with friends in Friend Town, or have our landlord pay for a hotel for us. Obviously we are not entitled to his parents' home or their lake house (although I think it's funny that despite his transgression against the Family, they still want him to stay in their home till Saturday so they can have a free ride to the airport.. Lol 🤔🤔![;)]( ";)")
.
DF also offered to pay for his sister's cab rides to and from the airport (even though his sister has a job and salary, can split the cab cost with coworkers, and DF has no income right now and we are living off savings to pay rent). His parents refuse to accept this and accused him of not doing enough for family, and accused him of only coming to stay with them when it's convenient for him. They are fixated on the fact that he is refusing to cart around his sister and the fact that DF has "no pressing plans" of his own to justify saying no to this. They insist that Sister would do the same thing for DF, but Ive known DF for 12 years and they have NEVER put Sister in a position to have to help DF (and honestly they never even put her in a position to have to help her own self.. Lol.).
DF tried to ask what exactly his sister needs him for, and they literally said things like "We don't want her to stay here [meaning the suburban family home in which she grew up] alone" (well that's funny that you therefore want DF to stay here alone for 2-3 days waiting for her) and "She might not know how to roll up the garage door" and "How is she supposed to get into the house? You want her digging for the spare key?!" (Pretty sure a graduate degree enables you to lift a flowerpot).
DF is heartbroken at his parents' ultimatum during this period of great stress for him. Most of all he is devastated that these last few days of spending time with his parents, his parents view as DF using them - not as enjoying each other's company. He's never had to confront this side of them before. How do I support him? And, were we wrong to say no to their request?
To clarify, after the fight, DF has decided to follow his parents wishes and stay here till Monday and drive his sister. After that he plans to take an ITO from them. His mom had earlier invited us to the lake house for July 4, his sister will also be attending - should DF say something to let them know he won't be coming, or should he go totally NC and let them figure out he won't come?
He is 27, has a 30-year old sister. She's been single for a long time and lives alone in a major city, has a good job, masters degree, previously lived all over the world for several years, and definitely did not just fall off the turnip truck. However his parents have always babied and coddled her, but treated DF with far less concern, interest, and affection. It has been a BEC issue to me ever since I first noticed this dynamic, but he is devoted to the concept of family (way more than his sister is, ironically - though she doesn't reject their help), and he isn't primed to notice GC dynamics like me, so he shrugged it off. To give some examples, when he moved houses, lost his job and his car broke down this month (shitty month..), his parents offered no help, but when his sister moved to a new city on the East Coast this year and planned to use public transport instead of a car, their parents freaked out and actually went to the dealership to inquire about purchasing a Lexus for her. Before DF was laid off, he flew for work weekly and constantly faced delays, multiple connecting flights each Monday morning and Thursday night, and snowy conditions this year; no response from family. Meanwhile his mother expressed worry to me that his sister, who I repeat is 30, has a 10 minute walk to the private company shuttlebus stop for work in the mornings, can you believe it, she has to ride THE BUS and it must be so cold in winter so she (his mother) needs to buy her winter clothes!!! There's also the little things like mom always making sister's favorite foods for holidays and announcing it to everyone but never doing the same for DF, and talking about sister to me and DF on and on and on every time we visit with them, when sister is not even there, showing that her mind is never on DF.
The parents have never visited us in our city, despite DF's devotion to them, and despite the fact that the entire extended family lives in the same city as DF and me. Instead, they visit his sister, going on all her apartment hunts, helping her move in. When she got locked out of her apartment on the way to a party during ther last visit, they left their restaurant in the middle of dinner to go help her, paid for a locksmith, then drove her through the traffic hell of a major city downtown to the party (instead of making her wait for a free spare key from the landlord - they said with straight faces that they didn't want her to be late for her party!!!). I can go on but this is getting long so let me explain the present confrontation.
In addition to recently losing his job and having his car break down, DF and I recently found out that our rental house (that we signed the lease for the day before he was fired...) needs major repairs and the landlord needed us to stay somewhere else during repairs for at least 5-6 days (till next Tuesday). We decided to come stay with his parents in Hometown and here we are. It works out well since we can give them a ride to the airport at 530AM this Saturday as they are leaving for a vacation.
Here is where sister comes in. She flies into Hometown on Sunday night for a one-day work conference on Monday, and flies out on Monday night. DF and I were not planning to stay in Hometown after Saturday - we were hoping to go to his family's lake house in Lake Town, or go crash with friends in Friend Town. The problem is that DF's parents want him to stay in Hometown till Monday, so that he can cart Sister and her coworkers to and from the airport while her parents are away on vacation. I don't know what this family has against cabs or Ubers. They are millionaires, it's not a money issue. (Also - Keep in mind that just 2 weeks ago, DF and I picked up sister from the airport, hosted her overnight, in our rental house, and dropped her off at the crack of dawn when she had a layover in our city.)
DF doesn't want to stay in Hometown for all of Saturday, Sunday, and Monday just to give his sister rides. Especially since his parents will be gone on vacation and there's no further business for us here. He loves his sister very much and craves time with her, but since she's getting in so late Sunday night, and only staying in town for a work conference all day Monday, they won't even get to hang out beyond the chauffeuring.
When DF said no to his parents, they became enraged. His mom started crying (no joke) about Faaamily, and his father said: ""You stay and help her or you leave here on Saturday and you can stay wherever you can find to stay .. Find somewhere else." DF said that was fine, and that we would go stay with friends in Friend Town, or have our landlord pay for a hotel for us. Obviously we are not entitled to his parents' home or their lake house (although I think it's funny that despite his transgression against the Family, they still want him to stay in their home till Saturday so they can have a free ride to the airport.. Lol 🤔🤔
. DF also offered to pay for his sister's cab rides to and from the airport (even though his sister has a job and salary, can split the cab cost with coworkers, and DF has no income right now and we are living off savings to pay rent). His parents refuse to accept this and accused him of not doing enough for family, and accused him of only coming to stay with them when it's convenient for him. They are fixated on the fact that he is refusing to cart around his sister and the fact that DF has "no pressing plans" of his own to justify saying no to this. They insist that Sister would do the same thing for DF, but Ive known DF for 12 years and they have NEVER put Sister in a position to have to help DF (and honestly they never even put her in a position to have to help her own self.. Lol.).
DF tried to ask what exactly his sister needs him for, and they literally said things like "We don't want her to stay here [meaning the suburban family home in which she grew up] alone" (well that's funny that you therefore want DF to stay here alone for 2-3 days waiting for her) and "She might not know how to roll up the garage door" and "How is she supposed to get into the house? You want her digging for the spare key?!" (Pretty sure a graduate degree enables you to lift a flowerpot).
DF is heartbroken at his parents' ultimatum during this period of great stress for him. Most of all he is devastated that these last few days of spending time with his parents, his parents view as DF using them - not as enjoying each other's company. He's never had to confront this side of them before. How do I support him? And, were we wrong to say no to their request?
To clarify, after the fight, DF has decided to follow his parents wishes and stay here till Monday and drive his sister. After that he plans to take an ITO from them. His mom had earlier invited us to the lake house for July 4, his sister will also be attending - should DF say something to let them know he won't be coming, or should he go totally NC and let them figure out he won't come?