I don't know where to begin writing this. My friend suggested this board to me as I'm at my wits end with my MIL. I'm a long time BBC user but have no experience with this board, but I did read the sticky and will try my best. I also didn't know what to title this thread but I gave it my best go. I'm sorry in advance for such a long post!
Some BG: When I met my DH in Nov 2014, he was up front about the fact that his recent ex was pregnant with his baby. They had only dated a few months, and she had gotten pregnant during a drunken night where they forgot to wear protection. I was okay with this as we were only casually dating. She had broken up with him a couple of weeks after she found out she was pregnant because she said she needed space. He tried to work things out with her but she didn't want to be with him because she was still in love with her ex that she gave up custody of her daughter to be with. I tried my best to understand and be there for him. Then I guess feelings hit us both and we ended up in a relationship rather quickly. Soon after we started dating, his dad left his mom after 22 years of marriage because he said she was monsterous and couldn't handle her anymore. He was very unhappy, but DH was there for his mom through that hard time. Then, in January, I got pregnant with our son. I was on birth control and totally didn't see it coming, but it happened. We were scared and confused but we were prepared to take on the responsibility.
In May of 2015, his first son, my DSS, was born. I was there at the hospital with him during this (with the permission of the mother, of course.) but MIL was VERY upset that I was there despite the mother telling me if I wanted to be there to support DH she was okay with it. At this point she knew I was pregnant and we became somewhat friends because we knew we'd be seeing a lot of each other. DH and I stayed in the waiting room (he was a nervous wreck and it broke my heart to see him that way) while MIL was in the room with Ex GF watching his son be born. The whole time, MIL was texting DH about how I was in the way and ruining DSS's birthing day. MIL and I had gotten along fairly well before this, but this is where it all started going downhill.
Two days after DSS was born, DH went and got a paternity test like his whole family had suggested, and while we were there MIL texted him and told him that Ex GF and DSS would be coming to live with her. We were kind of weirded out by the fact Ex GF would be living in the house DH grew up in, and voiced that opinion, but it all seemed to work out pretty well. But, every day for the next two months MIL would text DH about how shitty of a father he was despite us going to visit DSS every other day to spend time with him and help out. And would always bad mouth me in the process. One text said, "You need to be here every single day. I don't care what you have to say. You have an obligation to (DSS) whether M (me) and her trashy family likes it or not!!)
Mind you, I never once said anything about not wanting DH over there. In fact, I encouraged him to go and went with him frequently. She continued making statements like this out of nowhere and without reasons. It hurt, because I loved DSS. He was such a sweet and laid back baby. Never fussed or spit up or cried. He was an angel and I couldn't wait for him to meet his brother!
Finally, DH was fed up and did a big CO in late July that lasted until DS was born in October. In this time, MIL would not allow him to see his son. It turns out that Ex GF stayed gone all the time out with guys and friends, partying, going to clubs. She was rarely ever home and MIL always had DS.
When we got an induction date for DS, he and MIL started talking again. We invited her to the birth just like we had planned, but she didn't even show up until after DS was born. Then, that's when shit started REALLY getting on my bad side.
The difference she showed in DSS and DS was outrageous. And it wasn't just her, it was his whole family. We would go over to visit and not even one person would acknowledge DS...they all paid attention to DSS and refused to take it away from him. At Christmas, DSS sat in the floor surrounded by about 15 people while he opened all his presents, while DS was left on his playmat cooing and laughing at me and his daddy making funny faces, cause we were the only ones who even acknowledged he was there. Nobody held him, nobody talked about him, it was like he didn't even exist.
We left early that night and finally confronted MiL about this. She said she didn't realize she was doing it and would try to even the playing field. She's gotten somewhat better (and now acts like she's my best friend🙄) but the difference is still very obvious. Posting on Facebook about DSS being "Her baaaaby" and "the cutest baby she's ever laid eyes on" and "she loves him more than anything in this world." Meanwhile, not a word has been said about DS even to this day.
Now, DSS is 15 months old. Ex GF is only around DSS maybe one day a week. She is not the best parent, and could care less about her children. So, MIL had been taking care of DSS his whole life, much to DH's disliking. MIL makes all parenting decisions of where he goes, what he does, etc and dares anyone to stop her. Even though DH and Ex GF wanted to share custody 50/50, MIL refuses to let us have him even for a couple hours. We FINALLY got to take him to the zoo with DS a couple weeks ago, but that was the extent. She is very, very controlling. Completely took over our wedding in May and done everything how she wanted it behind my back. Any time we say anything to her it's WWIII.
Now, DH is still trying to get on DSS's birth certificate. He had to petition the court because his Ex GF had not been divorced long enough. The process is long and exhausting but we've almost gotten to the last part of it. MIL and DH (and everyone else) thinks that when DH finally goes on the birth certificate, Ex GF is going to abandon DSS and run like she did with her ex husband and her daughter. I definitely think this will happen since A) she and MIL both hate each other more than I've ever seen two people hate each other and B) she wants no responsibility of being a mother.
DH and I are afraid that if and when this happens, MIL is going to take emergency custody of DSS and not allow DH to have his child. MIL acts like she is DSS's parent and what she says goes. For instance we took DS to see FIL and his new wife, and MIL pitched a fit and said HER BABY (I guess meaning DSS) would never EVER meet FIL and "that woman" over her dead body. Childish things like that. I asked her what the difference was in DS seeing them and DSS seeing them was, but she didn't have an answer. She is planning for DSS to live with her for the long term (buying a swing set for him to put in her yard, building onto her house so he can have his own room, etc) and DH says that is NOT the case. He and I love that boy and want him with us. His mother won't take care of him...his grandmother doesn't need to and shouldn't have to raise him...he has a father and a step mother that are more than capable and would love to raise him. But, MIL has shot down any talks of DH taking Ex GF to court and we think it's because she wants custody herself.
Now that I'm pregnant with her first granddaughter, she acts like she's my biggest fan and constantly talks to me about all the thing Ex GF does. It's actually quite sad, and DSS doesn't need that kind of person in his life. He needs his daddy.
I'm not sure exactly what kind of advice I'm looking for, but I will take any advice or insight at this point. This whole situation has done nothing but strain mine and DH's relationship. If like nothing more than a CO and adios, but then he wouldn't get to see his son and I do NOT want that to happen. I'm sorry this is so long I just don't know what to do about this controlling women (who was pissed when I found out I was pregnant with this current LO! His whole family was. SIL told us we were ruining her life and GMIL told me to grow up and stop having babies). They are all partial to DSS and I KNOW that if a custody battle were to happen they would fight tooth and nail that MIL needs to have custody. ANY advice on any aspect of this would be helpful ladies. And I will gladly answer any other questions you may have.
Some BG: When I met my DH in Nov 2014, he was up front about the fact that his recent ex was pregnant with his baby. They had only dated a few months, and she had gotten pregnant during a drunken night where they forgot to wear protection. I was okay with this as we were only casually dating. She had broken up with him a couple of weeks after she found out she was pregnant because she said she needed space. He tried to work things out with her but she didn't want to be with him because she was still in love with her ex that she gave up custody of her daughter to be with. I tried my best to understand and be there for him. Then I guess feelings hit us both and we ended up in a relationship rather quickly. Soon after we started dating, his dad left his mom after 22 years of marriage because he said she was monsterous and couldn't handle her anymore. He was very unhappy, but DH was there for his mom through that hard time. Then, in January, I got pregnant with our son. I was on birth control and totally didn't see it coming, but it happened. We were scared and confused but we were prepared to take on the responsibility.
In May of 2015, his first son, my DSS, was born. I was there at the hospital with him during this (with the permission of the mother, of course.) but MIL was VERY upset that I was there despite the mother telling me if I wanted to be there to support DH she was okay with it. At this point she knew I was pregnant and we became somewhat friends because we knew we'd be seeing a lot of each other. DH and I stayed in the waiting room (he was a nervous wreck and it broke my heart to see him that way) while MIL was in the room with Ex GF watching his son be born. The whole time, MIL was texting DH about how I was in the way and ruining DSS's birthing day. MIL and I had gotten along fairly well before this, but this is where it all started going downhill.
Two days after DSS was born, DH went and got a paternity test like his whole family had suggested, and while we were there MIL texted him and told him that Ex GF and DSS would be coming to live with her. We were kind of weirded out by the fact Ex GF would be living in the house DH grew up in, and voiced that opinion, but it all seemed to work out pretty well. But, every day for the next two months MIL would text DH about how shitty of a father he was despite us going to visit DSS every other day to spend time with him and help out. And would always bad mouth me in the process. One text said, "You need to be here every single day. I don't care what you have to say. You have an obligation to (DSS) whether M (me) and her trashy family likes it or not!!)
Mind you, I never once said anything about not wanting DH over there. In fact, I encouraged him to go and went with him frequently. She continued making statements like this out of nowhere and without reasons. It hurt, because I loved DSS. He was such a sweet and laid back baby. Never fussed or spit up or cried. He was an angel and I couldn't wait for him to meet his brother!
Finally, DH was fed up and did a big CO in late July that lasted until DS was born in October. In this time, MIL would not allow him to see his son. It turns out that Ex GF stayed gone all the time out with guys and friends, partying, going to clubs. She was rarely ever home and MIL always had DS.
When we got an induction date for DS, he and MIL started talking again. We invited her to the birth just like we had planned, but she didn't even show up until after DS was born. Then, that's when shit started REALLY getting on my bad side.
The difference she showed in DSS and DS was outrageous. And it wasn't just her, it was his whole family. We would go over to visit and not even one person would acknowledge DS...they all paid attention to DSS and refused to take it away from him. At Christmas, DSS sat in the floor surrounded by about 15 people while he opened all his presents, while DS was left on his playmat cooing and laughing at me and his daddy making funny faces, cause we were the only ones who even acknowledged he was there. Nobody held him, nobody talked about him, it was like he didn't even exist.
We left early that night and finally confronted MiL about this. She said she didn't realize she was doing it and would try to even the playing field. She's gotten somewhat better (and now acts like she's my best friend🙄) but the difference is still very obvious. Posting on Facebook about DSS being "Her baaaaby" and "the cutest baby she's ever laid eyes on" and "she loves him more than anything in this world." Meanwhile, not a word has been said about DS even to this day.
Now, DSS is 15 months old. Ex GF is only around DSS maybe one day a week. She is not the best parent, and could care less about her children. So, MIL had been taking care of DSS his whole life, much to DH's disliking. MIL makes all parenting decisions of where he goes, what he does, etc and dares anyone to stop her. Even though DH and Ex GF wanted to share custody 50/50, MIL refuses to let us have him even for a couple hours. We FINALLY got to take him to the zoo with DS a couple weeks ago, but that was the extent. She is very, very controlling. Completely took over our wedding in May and done everything how she wanted it behind my back. Any time we say anything to her it's WWIII.
Now, DH is still trying to get on DSS's birth certificate. He had to petition the court because his Ex GF had not been divorced long enough. The process is long and exhausting but we've almost gotten to the last part of it. MIL and DH (and everyone else) thinks that when DH finally goes on the birth certificate, Ex GF is going to abandon DSS and run like she did with her ex husband and her daughter. I definitely think this will happen since A) she and MIL both hate each other more than I've ever seen two people hate each other and B) she wants no responsibility of being a mother.
DH and I are afraid that if and when this happens, MIL is going to take emergency custody of DSS and not allow DH to have his child. MIL acts like she is DSS's parent and what she says goes. For instance we took DS to see FIL and his new wife, and MIL pitched a fit and said HER BABY (I guess meaning DSS) would never EVER meet FIL and "that woman" over her dead body. Childish things like that. I asked her what the difference was in DS seeing them and DSS seeing them was, but she didn't have an answer. She is planning for DSS to live with her for the long term (buying a swing set for him to put in her yard, building onto her house so he can have his own room, etc) and DH says that is NOT the case. He and I love that boy and want him with us. His mother won't take care of him...his grandmother doesn't need to and shouldn't have to raise him...he has a father and a step mother that are more than capable and would love to raise him. But, MIL has shot down any talks of DH taking Ex GF to court and we think it's because she wants custody herself.
Now that I'm pregnant with her first granddaughter, she acts like she's my biggest fan and constantly talks to me about all the thing Ex GF does. It's actually quite sad, and DSS doesn't need that kind of person in his life. He needs his daddy.
I'm not sure exactly what kind of advice I'm looking for, but I will take any advice or insight at this point. This whole situation has done nothing but strain mine and DH's relationship. If like nothing more than a CO and adios, but then he wouldn't get to see his son and I do NOT want that to happen. I'm sorry this is so long I just don't know what to do about this controlling women (who was pissed when I found out I was pregnant with this current LO! His whole family was. SIL told us we were ruining her life and GMIL told me to grow up and stop having babies). They are all partial to DSS and I KNOW that if a custody battle were to happen they would fight tooth and nail that MIL needs to have custody. ANY advice on any aspect of this would be helpful ladies. And I will gladly answer any other questions you may have.