I’ve been lurking for a few months and have gone anon because I used my name for my original s/n.
Background: DF and I have been together for almost 3 years for simplicity I will refer to him as DH going forward. I have ayear-old from a previous marriage and together we have a 13 month old and another on the way, due in Feb.
I’m not very good at wording things so I hope this all makes sense.
Background on SIL: SIL and DH were close growing up. She’s older by 3 years and has always taken on the “mother” type role with him. Their dad growing up was a huge alcoholic. Abusive mentally but not physically. Their mother passed away 5 years ago. I never got the chance to meet her but DH talks of her very fondly. Since their mom passed SIL has taken the motherly role with DH to a higher level. It drives him crazy. He mostly just ignores. Some examples of this is her trying to give him money if she thinks things are tough for us. We actually make more than them but we’re saving up for our first house and put ourselves on a tight budget. DH turns down all offers. She feels she should be involved in life events more than we’re comfortable with. Example: When I was pregnant with lo I nicely let everyone know that we won’t be having people at the hospital the first day other than my mother. I wanted that day to bond with my baby plus I was having a repeatsection and didn’t want visitors while I was groggy from surgery and still hooked up to machines and a catheter. I’m a very private person. She was very upset. She said she always pictured herself there when her brother had his first baby so she was very taken aback. She also said that if their mother was still alive this never would have flown with her. I was really upset about the comment about their mom and still am to this day. She has no idea the kind of relationship her and I would have had. Just because SIL wasn’t invited doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have wanted their mom there.
After I had LO SIL and FIL came to the hospital the next day after I gave the okay (by then things between SIL and I had simmered down and we were friendly). I told the nurse I was having visitors but didn’t want them to stay past a certain time. They were 20 mins late to the hospital so they got to visit for 10 mins until the nurse came in. All went well. When we got home with LO SIL really wanted to visit so we said okay and planned for her to come by herself (she has 3 kids) the next evening. The time came, she said she was on her way then never showed. DH sent her a text asking if she was still coming and she had said something along the lines of kids being hectic she’ll come the next night. Same story happened two more nights. It was annoying, especially since I had to do quick clean ups every night thinking I’m having company. The next week she actually did show up for a planned visit but on her way over called to let us know she had their cousins with her. Just more annoyance for me. I don’t like having company to begin with, it stresses me out. I know now that I should have put my foot down then.
Other things that have rubbed me the wrong way about SIL:
-She once told me that she knew her brother (DH) better than anyone else (including me).
-A couple months ago she found a huge spider in her bathroom while bathing her kids. She told me she grabbed them from the tub and made them go downstairs while she stayed upstairs in her room crying out of fear for SIX HOURS! Her DF works long hours and didn’t get home until 6pm. DH was home at 3 and she immediately texted him to come “save” her. DH didn’t want to go, he just got home from work and was going to pick ODS up from school so he told her he couldn’t. Later that night I got a text from her saying how hurt she was that DH wouldn’t come “save” her and that it wouldn’t have taken him long to go over there. After that I stopped talking to her for a week. She later texted to apologize and told me she took herself off her anxiety meds that day.
-After LO’s first birthday (July) she posted the pic of him with his smash cake on social media with the caption “Happy 1st Birthday to my little cutie” I hadn’t seen any photos from the party yet, let alone posted any and was upset she would post a milestone picture before we did. I asked her to take it down and told her it should be me or Dh who post pics like that. She said she didn’t understand but will take down the pic because she loves us all and would never want to upset us.
Sorry this is getting so long but here’s my current issue with SIL.
I’ve known since before I got pregnant with #3 that I wanted a much quieter, private pos--partum time. I don’t want any visitors until this LO is 2 weeks old. My mom will be the only exception as she will be helping with our other two the day of thesection and will help with school pick up drop offs when she can. DH is 100% on board with this plan. He feels the same way and wants the time for us to bond and adjust as a family of 5 and so I can really have a chance to work hard on figuring out BFing this time. I’ve been nervous about SIL’s reaction to this so I decided to post (maybe not the best idea) on social media about not wanting visitors and such. I wanted it to be a message for all family and friends ( I have 2 brothers and 2 SIL, however they aren’t intrusive like SIL is) so that SIL didn’t think it was just for her. It was actually a poster type thing I found on Pinterest explaining the importance of post partum time. I really liked the message. (I can attach it if needed) Things did not go as smooth as I’d hoped. I’ll attach all comments and text messages below.
My question is am I being ridiculous for wanting 2 weeks as a nuclear family? How should I handle SIL going forward? TO worthy?
I’ll try to answer any questions you guys have as quickly as I can. Thanks in advance for any advice.
