I haven't posted on BBC in years but I came back to find your board recently to get some perspective on both my FOO and my IL. I've been lurking for a while now and I've read the sticky so I think I'm finally ready to post, but I have to admit I'm a little nervous to "put myself out there". Anyway, here goes.
BG on BIL- He is (I think) 38 and has been enabled by his family his entire life, from what I can tell. In early 2009 BIL's long term relationship ended and he moved in with MIL "temporarily". He never moved out. Never paid rent, contributed minimally to household expenses. His only expense was his truck payment and he was making 6 figures, pissing it all away on useless crap. In 2011 he was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of cancer, the survival rate was less than 5% and we really thought he wouldn't make it. During that time MIL pretty much put her whole life on hold to take him to dr appts. and take care of him. Somehow he managed to pull through and has been in remission now for something like 4 years.
After he went into remission, he really lost his shit. Began binge drinking again (long term gf had put a stop to his drinking several years prior), staying up all night and sleeping all day, contributing nothing to MIL's household, and repaying her for taking care of him by treating her like absolute shit. (MIL definitely should have laid down boundaries and kicked him out long ago, but she let him walk all over her).
*possible trigger*
FF to January 2015. MIL very unexpectedly passed away from what was assumed to be a heart attack. BIL was home when it happened, performed CPR, watched while the paramedics worked on her, and basically watched her die. Very traumatic for everyone but especially for him. MIL was an amazing woman and we miss her every day.
*end trigger*
BIL has gotten even worse since her death. He went through a period of time where he was literally drinking until he passed out and then would start drinking again as soon as he woke up. DH and his siblings pretty much staged an intervention and he did attend rehab therapy but he was kicked out when he exposed himself to the entire group (long story). He has continued some sort of online therapy since then, and his lovely therapist told him "he seems to do much better when he's around his family, especially his younger brother" (my DH) so he should spend as much time as possible with us. Thanks lady. MIL's house is about 2 hours from where we live and he has a tendency to show up at our place and stay for several days (sometimes longer) without ever asking if that's okay beforehand or anything. He is inappropriate, obnoxious, and immature, and basically has become my BEC. Yes, my DH has been a DuH in regards to not telling him he can't stay when he just shows up, but we are both really regretting it now and that brings us to our current dilemma.
BIL is finally moving out of MIL's house but plans to move to the town DH and I live in. So he can "spend as much time with us" as possible. I am obviously not okay with that, and DH isn't either but we both have no spine and hate confrontation so up until now we haven't said anything. Now that it's pretty likely that he really will move here (he's been known to make grand plans and then never follow through with them) I REALLY think we need to lay out boundaries and let him know that he shouldn't be moving here thinking he's going to be spending all his free time at our house (which is a lot, btw, because he hasn't had a job for about 5 or 6 months).
DH thinks instead of confronting him over the phone or face to face to lay out boundaries, we should type up an email so we can think through what we want to say. DH very much wants to be "nice" about it, and I just really want to make it known that he is not going to live vicariously through our family. You all are so good with not JADEing and I would love some ideas on how to word this email. I do think BIL is trainable, he's just clueless and will probably get all pissy and butthurt but ultimately should respect our boundaries once we get them out there. Hopefully. If you'd like more background info I'd be glad to give it to you and there's plenty more noms in regards to things he's said and done, but I think this is long enough for now! Oh, and right now the timeline for him to move is November, so I need to get this figured out before then.