Occasional lurker going anon because I was dumb and used my real name as my screen name and I'm paranoid. You guys give solid advice and I need help with dealing with my mom. Not sure where to start so this might end up rambling a bit. Sorry it's so long too...
My mom is the type of person who wants to make everything about her. For example, my parents are divorced and as long as I can remember she always threw a fit when she didn't get the time she wanted with us at Christmas. If my dad wanted us on Xmas eve that's when she wanted us. Next year my dad would say he'll take us Xmas day instead but then she would want us then. Holidays were stressful times for me and my siblings even as children. As an adult, I moved 2 states away and work in a hospital so rarely get time off around holidays to travel home. It's been a relief, and my brother told me he's actually jealous.
My husband and I travel back there a few times a year to visit mom and my extended family and my mom/stepdad come to visit us a few times a year. I was very comfortable with the amount of contact. Then I got pregnant and my mom went nuts. She has other grandchildren in my hometown but they are all boys and older (10-17) and my daughter is the only girl. When I went in for my induction she actually "surprised" me and drove here without asking. Like a dummy, I let her come to my room to visit for an hour after I got the epidural then made her leave. I let her come back after my daughter was born to visit for an hour, then kicked her out so I could work on breastfeeding. She then traveled back home.
She now wants to visit frequently. I'm back at work and really value my alone time with DH and LO on weekends so I try to limit visits. Other people also want to visit us since we have no family in town so we are balancing that as well. She gets very jealous of other family is visiting us because she thinks if we are available on a weekend she should be here.
She had also been driving me crazy asking for daily pictures. I was so over the moon for LO that stupidly I gave into this because I was excited to show her off. Then it started to get annoying and I cut back and sending pics a couple times a week. Now that I'm back at work, I only send a pic like once a week. LO does not nap at daycare. She literally goes to bed once I get home from picking her up from daycare and the only time I spend with her is when I'm breastfeeding her then she's back to sleep. She texted me this week for a pic and I told her I'm working and that was the end of it. Then she texted me a couple days later, no pic for one week with a crying face. I lost it and texted her she needs to stop asking for these pic requests because I don't even get to spend anytime with her during the week and I don't need these constant reminders of that fact. She texted back she was sorry to upset me and she'll stop bothering me.
Now I feel guilty for snapping at her, which I know I shouldn't, it had to be said. I feel like she is not dealing well with having a grandchild she can't see all the time due to our distance. I want her to know my LO but I don't feel like DH and my lives should now revolve around visits. We have lives and also need to establish ourselves as a nuclear family. I can only imagine the meltdown when she finds out we aren't coming home for Xmas, nor will we ever be again as I want LO to have Xmas traditions in our home. I still want to see my mom on occasion and send her pics and videos of LO on my terms when it doesn't feel like a chore. Where do I go from here?
Sorry this is so long. TIA for advice. I have my big girl panties on and can give more background if needed.
My mom is the type of person who wants to make everything about her. For example, my parents are divorced and as long as I can remember she always threw a fit when she didn't get the time she wanted with us at Christmas. If my dad wanted us on Xmas eve that's when she wanted us. Next year my dad would say he'll take us Xmas day instead but then she would want us then. Holidays were stressful times for me and my siblings even as children. As an adult, I moved 2 states away and work in a hospital so rarely get time off around holidays to travel home. It's been a relief, and my brother told me he's actually jealous.
My husband and I travel back there a few times a year to visit mom and my extended family and my mom/stepdad come to visit us a few times a year. I was very comfortable with the amount of contact. Then I got pregnant and my mom went nuts. She has other grandchildren in my hometown but they are all boys and older (10-17) and my daughter is the only girl. When I went in for my induction she actually "surprised" me and drove here without asking. Like a dummy, I let her come to my room to visit for an hour after I got the epidural then made her leave. I let her come back after my daughter was born to visit for an hour, then kicked her out so I could work on breastfeeding. She then traveled back home.
She now wants to visit frequently. I'm back at work and really value my alone time with DH and LO on weekends so I try to limit visits. Other people also want to visit us since we have no family in town so we are balancing that as well. She gets very jealous of other family is visiting us because she thinks if we are available on a weekend she should be here.
She had also been driving me crazy asking for daily pictures. I was so over the moon for LO that stupidly I gave into this because I was excited to show her off. Then it started to get annoying and I cut back and sending pics a couple times a week. Now that I'm back at work, I only send a pic like once a week. LO does not nap at daycare. She literally goes to bed once I get home from picking her up from daycare and the only time I spend with her is when I'm breastfeeding her then she's back to sleep. She texted me this week for a pic and I told her I'm working and that was the end of it. Then she texted me a couple days later, no pic for one week with a crying face. I lost it and texted her she needs to stop asking for these pic requests because I don't even get to spend anytime with her during the week and I don't need these constant reminders of that fact. She texted back she was sorry to upset me and she'll stop bothering me.
Now I feel guilty for snapping at her, which I know I shouldn't, it had to be said. I feel like she is not dealing well with having a grandchild she can't see all the time due to our distance. I want her to know my LO but I don't feel like DH and my lives should now revolve around visits. We have lives and also need to establish ourselves as a nuclear family. I can only imagine the meltdown when she finds out we aren't coming home for Xmas, nor will we ever be again as I want LO to have Xmas traditions in our home. I still want to see my mom on occasion and send her pics and videos of LO on my terms when it doesn't feel like a chore. Where do I go from here?
Sorry this is so long. TIA for advice. I have my big girl panties on and can give more background if needed.