I'll attempt to make it short, but I know it'll be long, also that everything will come together in the end.
First, I have several kids, oldest who is a pre-teen is our only dd. Now, dd is very social, makes friends easily, as well as has several bff's. One of these close friends is the only kid in the home. The friends mom loves having dd over because she is very mature, and entertains her dd.
Lately though some things are making me uncomfortable. They (friend and her mom,) want dd to do everything with them and their family, to spend the night all the time etc. Not the issue (well, not fully,) but it has increased to what is making me uncomfortable. The mom keeps joking how dd is another daughter to her, and how she "jokes" this to dd, and how she would love to adopt her and always wanted more kids. I know it's joking, but hopefully me beginning to become uncomfortable will make more sense in the end.
So, it had gotten to the issue dd would be out playing at the park with said friend and dd would call dh and ask if she could do this or that, spend the night etc. Or even call dad when she's home with me. Dh would say yes, but to ask me too. If I say no, dh would call and ask why not. He works.long hours, and as a sahm, I don't always tell him our day to day plans, which sometimes are spur of the moment. I usually say no more than yes, as I want dd home at least a few nights a week. The real issue is dd would also ask why not, and in turn the mom would even call me and ask why not. I sat dh down and told him I was starting to feel cornered and that my parental authority was being undermined. Dh I know wasn't meaning to do this (and didn't realize the mom was doing this,) his was more curious, where the mom was more passive aggressive where she made it out like I should justify to her my decision. Being an introvert and more passive, I'd often cave, which I know was a mistake, and wasn't helping anything, instead making it worse. Anyway, thankfully we decided dh would no longer tell dd yes, rather he'll discuss with me first and get back to dd. This way I'm not the bad guy.
But, the problem was also the friends mom calling to ask, even acknowledging I said no, or dd was grounded (don't get me started on her also questioning my choice to ground her at times, and how I chose to and for how long,) but she wanted to ask anyway, putting me on the spot, as the girls are together and excited, and once more, I'm the bad guy unless I cave (I don't always, probably 50-60% which is still 50-60% more than I should.) This also has happened when I said no, or didn't even ask and she'll show up and ask or just to really "make sure" dd can't go with them or spend the night.
There is more. If dd needed something I haven't gotten yet, and she knows about it due to the girls in the same activities, she'll buy it without asking and again, I'm passive, so just paid her. Keep in mind, it wasn't items, clothes etc needed asap, rather I would wait to do my shopping without the kids when dh is home. Regardless doesn't matter, she shouldn't be out "spending" my money when I never asked, and she never asked.
Hopefully that summed it up and if not, feel free to ask me more. So DWIL, how can I politely but firmly be clear I'm not essentially what feels like co-parenting with a mother of my dd friend? I don't want to be rude, and I don't want to tell dd she can't play with her friend. I know it sounds so easy, but for me it's not. I'm also not normally so passive, but I also don't deal with someone so aggressive very often. I've had people give opinions, but who respect my decision and don't push.
First, I have several kids, oldest who is a pre-teen is our only dd. Now, dd is very social, makes friends easily, as well as has several bff's. One of these close friends is the only kid in the home. The friends mom loves having dd over because she is very mature, and entertains her dd.
Lately though some things are making me uncomfortable. They (friend and her mom,) want dd to do everything with them and their family, to spend the night all the time etc. Not the issue (well, not fully,) but it has increased to what is making me uncomfortable. The mom keeps joking how dd is another daughter to her, and how she "jokes" this to dd, and how she would love to adopt her and always wanted more kids. I know it's joking, but hopefully me beginning to become uncomfortable will make more sense in the end.
So, it had gotten to the issue dd would be out playing at the park with said friend and dd would call dh and ask if she could do this or that, spend the night etc. Or even call dad when she's home with me. Dh would say yes, but to ask me too. If I say no, dh would call and ask why not. He works.long hours, and as a sahm, I don't always tell him our day to day plans, which sometimes are spur of the moment. I usually say no more than yes, as I want dd home at least a few nights a week. The real issue is dd would also ask why not, and in turn the mom would even call me and ask why not. I sat dh down and told him I was starting to feel cornered and that my parental authority was being undermined. Dh I know wasn't meaning to do this (and didn't realize the mom was doing this,) his was more curious, where the mom was more passive aggressive where she made it out like I should justify to her my decision. Being an introvert and more passive, I'd often cave, which I know was a mistake, and wasn't helping anything, instead making it worse. Anyway, thankfully we decided dh would no longer tell dd yes, rather he'll discuss with me first and get back to dd. This way I'm not the bad guy.
But, the problem was also the friends mom calling to ask, even acknowledging I said no, or dd was grounded (don't get me started on her also questioning my choice to ground her at times, and how I chose to and for how long,) but she wanted to ask anyway, putting me on the spot, as the girls are together and excited, and once more, I'm the bad guy unless I cave (I don't always, probably 50-60% which is still 50-60% more than I should.) This also has happened when I said no, or didn't even ask and she'll show up and ask or just to really "make sure" dd can't go with them or spend the night.
There is more. If dd needed something I haven't gotten yet, and she knows about it due to the girls in the same activities, she'll buy it without asking and again, I'm passive, so just paid her. Keep in mind, it wasn't items, clothes etc needed asap, rather I would wait to do my shopping without the kids when dh is home. Regardless doesn't matter, she shouldn't be out "spending" my money when I never asked, and she never asked.
Hopefully that summed it up and if not, feel free to ask me more. So DWIL, how can I politely but firmly be clear I'm not essentially what feels like co-parenting with a mother of my dd friend? I don't want to be rude, and I don't want to tell dd she can't play with her friend. I know it sounds so easy, but for me it's not. I'm also not normally so passive, but I also don't deal with someone so aggressive very often. I've had people give opinions, but who respect my decision and don't push.