Hi people, I'm Anon but a BBC member. I'm in an inter-racial marriage, so my days started out on BBC by being mainly on the Inter-Racial Families Group.
About me
I'm white, my DH is black. We've been married for 8 years and have three children. Two boys and a girl. We had our boys before we got married. Our daughter, who is focus of my problem, is 7. Our kids blend the two of us really well. Our boys are more on my genes, but you can tell they're biracial. Our daughter is fair but her hair does not have that texture of being biracial. It is more on the coarse side. When she was in kindergarten, I tried finding hair care products which would have helped me manged her hair really well. I did find a brand and have been using it for years.
My DH has a mother who feels she knows everything about hair, especially black hair. I have no issue with her beliefs, but she loves to play doctor grandma relating to my daughters hair. For clear understanding of my daughters hair, she has super tight curls. It's short, and it makes her look like she has a cute Afro. Anywho, my mil has been harassing me for years now telling me I should do a and b to my daughters hair. I would have to tell her she has no say in how I should do my child's hair, and if I wanted help, would have asked.
The family dynamic of my husbands family is close knit. Everyone gets along and knows one another even if you live in different states. Sometimes we allow his mother to help us out if needed. I work shift at a store in the mall, and he works two jobs. In the daytime he does computer repairs, and nighttime, is a bartender. My hours are not standard, so there's s day I may go in for someone else, or work a different time. When we have conflicting schedules, we ask his mom to help with our kids. They love being with her, and we trusted her. Lately, that trust got broken by her.
She had the kids a Saturday. Our sons needed a haircut, and she was going to her stylist, so she told us she would take them to her salon as there was a barber there who could do the boys hair. No big deal. We gave her money for the haircuts. When I went to pick my kids up the night, I saw my daughters hir changed. Her super tight curls were gone, and her hair was hot ironed, and she had a few bangs. I was pissed to hell of. My daughter is freaking 7, her hair is not manageable and I don't allow anyone else to touch her hair. I was so mad I told my mil off. The care that goes into my daughters hair isn't easy. I asked my mil wtf she did. She said the stylist was looking at my daughters hair and realized it was dry and had no sheen to it. Lies! The stylist touched it, told her that whoever is caring for her hair, doesn't know what they're doing, and if they didn't change, my daughters hair would not grow longer, and turn into a big Afro. Mil told me she listened to the stylist and told her she's been telling me I don't know what I'm doing, so she decided to let the stylist do the hot iron comb through of my daughters hair, add sheen, and fix the bangs. Of course it made her hair longer, but still, it created long term issues because the products the stylist used, did not do well for her hair. It was spritz you and had her hair unmanageable. I had to soak it in order to comb through it. Whatever product she placed in my child's hair caused a reaction as it created dandruff flakes. I told my mil I wasn't happy with what she did whether to prove a point or not. I told her she ruined the trust I had in her. She told me I was overacting and at least my daughter was happy with the new look.
At home I told my DH his mom wasn't grtting to do things anymore because of what happened. He called her angry because of what we went through with the hair. He told her she had no right to let a stylist touch his daughters hair, and she had no right to do something behind our back. She acted like we were blaming her for an accident which he told her she didn't understand.
She apologized, got her sister to tell us she apologized with remorse, and should be forgiven instead of crucified for petty stuff. She reaches out with forgivness and wants us to move on from the hair issue. I don't know whether to. She's given us trouble before with our boys saying they spoke a certain way, and not like their culture.
How do I institute boundaries to block future problems?
About me
I'm white, my DH is black. We've been married for 8 years and have three children. Two boys and a girl. We had our boys before we got married. Our daughter, who is focus of my problem, is 7. Our kids blend the two of us really well. Our boys are more on my genes, but you can tell they're biracial. Our daughter is fair but her hair does not have that texture of being biracial. It is more on the coarse side. When she was in kindergarten, I tried finding hair care products which would have helped me manged her hair really well. I did find a brand and have been using it for years.
My DH has a mother who feels she knows everything about hair, especially black hair. I have no issue with her beliefs, but she loves to play doctor grandma relating to my daughters hair. For clear understanding of my daughters hair, she has super tight curls. It's short, and it makes her look like she has a cute Afro. Anywho, my mil has been harassing me for years now telling me I should do a and b to my daughters hair. I would have to tell her she has no say in how I should do my child's hair, and if I wanted help, would have asked.
The family dynamic of my husbands family is close knit. Everyone gets along and knows one another even if you live in different states. Sometimes we allow his mother to help us out if needed. I work shift at a store in the mall, and he works two jobs. In the daytime he does computer repairs, and nighttime, is a bartender. My hours are not standard, so there's s day I may go in for someone else, or work a different time. When we have conflicting schedules, we ask his mom to help with our kids. They love being with her, and we trusted her. Lately, that trust got broken by her.
She had the kids a Saturday. Our sons needed a haircut, and she was going to her stylist, so she told us she would take them to her salon as there was a barber there who could do the boys hair. No big deal. We gave her money for the haircuts. When I went to pick my kids up the night, I saw my daughters hir changed. Her super tight curls were gone, and her hair was hot ironed, and she had a few bangs. I was pissed to hell of. My daughter is freaking 7, her hair is not manageable and I don't allow anyone else to touch her hair. I was so mad I told my mil off. The care that goes into my daughters hair isn't easy. I asked my mil wtf she did. She said the stylist was looking at my daughters hair and realized it was dry and had no sheen to it. Lies! The stylist touched it, told her that whoever is caring for her hair, doesn't know what they're doing, and if they didn't change, my daughters hair would not grow longer, and turn into a big Afro. Mil told me she listened to the stylist and told her she's been telling me I don't know what I'm doing, so she decided to let the stylist do the hot iron comb through of my daughters hair, add sheen, and fix the bangs. Of course it made her hair longer, but still, it created long term issues because the products the stylist used, did not do well for her hair. It was spritz you and had her hair unmanageable. I had to soak it in order to comb through it. Whatever product she placed in my child's hair caused a reaction as it created dandruff flakes. I told my mil I wasn't happy with what she did whether to prove a point or not. I told her she ruined the trust I had in her. She told me I was overacting and at least my daughter was happy with the new look.
At home I told my DH his mom wasn't grtting to do things anymore because of what happened. He called her angry because of what we went through with the hair. He told her she had no right to let a stylist touch his daughters hair, and she had no right to do something behind our back. She acted like we were blaming her for an accident which he told her she didn't understand.
She apologized, got her sister to tell us she apologized with remorse, and should be forgiven instead of crucified for petty stuff. She reaches out with forgivness and wants us to move on from the hair issue. I don't know whether to. She's given us trouble before with our boys saying they spoke a certain way, and not like their culture.
How do I institute boundaries to block future problems?