Basically, a few incidents happened several years ago with my SIL (husband's older sister) and mostly got rugswept. Because of this, I never really liked her and was fine with it, because I didn't have to see her that often, but now that I've had a baby (5 months old) she wants to come around more. She seems to have gotten a little better over the past couple years, but a part of me feels she is just on best behavior now because she wants to see LO. I will tell you some background, followed by the incidents I'm referring to (incident #2 is the worst and the one I can't get over), followed by my question.
BG: SIL has depression and has been an alcoholic for many years. She was and still is in denial but had a slight wake up call last year when she got a DUI. She seems to drink less but still drinks. She is probably 10 years older than DH and I. She is single with no kids and in the 8 years I have known her, the only serious relationship she had was an affair with a married man. My MIL enables her and makes excuses for her bad behavior because she is depressed. Basically MIL feels sorry for her.
When she is drunk she is not fun to be with. She gets very talkative and opinionated and goes around giving everyone unsolicited advice. She would also throw tantrums sometimes and start crying and making a scene over something little, and MIL would have to comfort her in a seperate room (this woman is in her 30's). She doesn't do that as much anymore though, as I said she seems to have cut back on how much she drinks, but still drinks and sometimes is still drunk.
Incidents:
#1: 8 years ago: When DH and I first started dating (I barely knew her at this point), he had a going away party for his roommate and my SIL was invited (they work at the same company and have many mutual friends). There were a lot of people there and didn't even realize she was there until 5 mintues before I was supposed to leave. When I saw her, i had a nice conversation with her and told her I was sorry I didn't see her sooner so we could talk more. I said I had to go and gave her a hug goodbye. Apparently she was offended that I didn't spend more time with her and threw a tantrum about it to my husband after I left. She compared me to an ex girlfriend of their little brother who they all hate. My husband (bf or bUHf at the time) asked me to apologize to her even though he knew I didn't do anything wrong because he wanted his family to like me. I was confused but did apologize anyway (now that I have been reading DWIL, this makes me sick that I apologized to her. It also makes my DH sick knowing that he asked me to, we both regret it.)
#2. 5 years ago: When DH and I were getting serious we started to talk about getting married. He had some committment fears because his older brother recently got divorced. They got divorced because she secretly opened credit cards and ran them over 60,000 into debt. She refused to get a job to help pay them back or repair the damage to the relationship. My husband went to counseling and worked out his fears of commitment (he loves being married just in case you were wondering). When he decided to propose, he told his SIL that he was going to. She told him not to propose to me and not to marry me, because I would trick him into getting me pregnant so I can quit school (I was working on my doctorate) and be a SAHM. She compared me to the ex wife of older brother who just got divorced, playing into all DH's fears. He told me about it and I WAS LIVID. We talked through his fears and knows i would never decieve him and he has nothing against SAHM's anyway. Again, this is all pre DWIL and it makes him sick that he didn't stand up for me right then and there.
When we did get married, MIL insisted we make SIL a bridesmaid so she didn't feel left out as all the other siblings (DH's brothers) were in the wedding party (MIL did not know what SIL said about me). I refused because I didn't want to look down the isle and see her face knowing what she said about me and was against our marriage. Duh was trying to please everybody and asked me to reconsider because it was so important to his mom. I said "tell your mom what SIL said about me, and MIL will understand why I am making this decision". WRONG. MIL made excuses for SIL that she is depressed and didn't mean what she said. I told Duh that if he confronts SIL about what she said and she apologizes, I will reconsider. He confronted her but she made up some bullshit excuse that what she really meant was that we would accidently get pregnant bc we weren't experienced with birth control (DH and I both waited till marraige, but we were in no way naive about sex or birth control. We are both highly educated and I was currently working on my doctorate FFS.) Nothing about her explanation made any sense and was completely bazarre. I decided not to have a wedding party at all, because I would rather not have one at all than have her in it. THIS WHOLE INCIDENT MAKES ME SICK. I WAS SUCH A PUSHOVER. **PUUUUUUKKKEEEEE!!!!* but it happened 5 years ago. DH regrets it and if he could do it over again would tell them to FO.
#3. 1 year ago: SIL is at my house with some other IL's and gets drunk at my house. DH and I had adopted a dog and were training her.
SIL in her drunkness tells us what really happened to her old dog...she took the dog out into the woods and let her go. Why??? because the dog was jumping on people. ummmm okaaaayyyyyyyy. I am horrified.
Later, she starts pulling my dog's tail telling me that I need to get her used to kids doing it. She kept doing other annoying things to the dog. My puppy looked very uncomfortable. I was shocked, didn't say anything, but put the dog in the kennel the rest of the day to protect her. A week later she was back for some other function and started doing it again. I said, " Do not pull her tail". She looked a little butt hurt but stopped. She started telling me again that I need to train my dog for kid behavior and I said ,"Let me train her how I see fit, and stop pulling her tail". DH was not in the room at the times she was doing this and he was mad when he found out about it.
#4: also about a year ago: DH and I find out we are pregnant and decide to tell our parents right away, and would tell siblings around 10 weeks. When we tell her she said " how far along are you?" We reply, "10 weeks" she said, "you should really keep that on the DL, it's really early and anything could happen". I said, "we will tell whoever we want when we decide we are comfortable". I again was livid and hurt. We were excited and she pooped all over it. This got rug swept because we found out later that my SIL at one point had a miscarriage and I guess we felt sorry for her or felt that it explained her reaction or something? I dunno. DH and I have decided that next pregnancy she will find out on facebook or from someone else...we will not tell her.
Okay so here is my dilemma. SIL is on ELC, but now that the baby is here, she wants to come around more. My husband thinks she is making an effort to change bc she is behaving better toward everyone not just us. I do not want her coming over very often so we just tell her it's not a good time to visit. But when MIL comes to visit from out of town, she brings SIL even if we don't invite SIL because she wants to see all her kids at once while she is in town. DH wants to confront her about all of this. I want to basically BH her requests to visit and just tolerate her on holidays or whatever. DH thinks that if she is really making an effort to change, maybe would should tell her our greivances and give her a chance to apologize.
How can I tell if she has really changed? What does that even mean for someone with depression and alcoholism?
How do I handle the situation with MIL bringing over SIL, without getting MIL too involved? It is rude that she invites SIL without our permission, but that is how it has always been done and we have never said anything.