I've been lurking a bit, but this is my first post. Not too much background: DH and I have been married for about a year and are expecting our first child this winter. Neither of us changed our names when we married (I do not use his surname in any way - not socially, not occasionally, not ever) and LO's surname will be hyphenated (His-Mine). PILs are aware of this. Also, I'm sure this sounds like a broken record around here, but overall I/we have a good relationship with his family (MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL, niece and nephew).
I'm possibly a little too sensitive about being called by his name; I don't like it, it makes me uncomfortable, and when people push it (i.e. a coworker once made a comment to my students about my "real" last name being my husband's - one of the more extreme examples, but you get the point), I feel like my choice to keep my name is being disrespected. Several people (not ILs, fwiw) IRL have made comments to me about how when I have kids, they'll (of course) have his name and maybe I'll want to change my name then. (That conversation usually ends with me saying, "Oh, we're hyphenating!" and them saying, "Hahaha, ok, well, you've got time to make up your mind, just saying you might want to change it!")
Here's where ILs come in, I guess:
1. DH's grandparents (MIL's mom and step-dad), who I've only ever met something like three times, and who his parents aren't necessarily on the best terms ever with, are the type of people who like to send a card/check for just about every event and holiday you can think of. Despite the fact that IL's claim they told them I kept my name, they insist on addressing me only by DH's last name now. (DH doesn't maintain direct contact with them on his end, so we haven't addressed this with GPIL ourselves, unless you count always writing my full and correct name in the return address section of our thank you notes as "addressing it with them". PILs aren't saying anything, either, as they claim GPIL will just forget - or "forget," as the case may be.)
* Also, I guess it's worth mentioning: I made a post (not here - I think on a wedding-related message board) about this bothering me shortly after they sent us a $1000 check to celebrate our marriage and I also asked if there was any way to politely correct them. Literally EVERY response said not to, with variations also including advice to just be grateful, if they wanted to give such a generous gift they could call me whatever they wanted, and what did I expect when I decided not to change my last name, anyway?
2. MIL and MOO are coordinating with each other to put together a baby shower for us. Each are sending out their own set of invitations to their own side/guests. On the invitations MIL sent out, she called us "OP & DH Hislast". While I understand that some of his side of the family would probably have no idea who I am without the inclusion of his name, since his full name is included alongside mine on the invitation, I think that gives plenty of context for who I am, so I'm not really sure why my full name couldn't be there also. MIL said it would "just be easier that way with her side of the family" (DH immediately called her out on it when she showed him the invitation; they'd already been sent out). I'm guessing that means she gets to avoid having to explain that yes, we are married (most/all of them should know this already, though); no, she didn't take his name, and whatever potentially judge-y questions they might follow that up with. (Also, DH's parents both have...complicated relationships with his extended family - his granparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. I never really know who they're on good or even sorta-I-guess-ok terms with.)
3. If DH's side of the family has no idea what my actual last name is, I'm worried that LO is going to get her last name truncated by them constantly after she's born. This possibility bothers me more than anything else. We'll definitely be sending out birth announcements that prominently display her full name when the time comes, but if they're content to ignore my name now, I just have a feeling that they'll have no problem ignoring it as part of her name, too.
Question(s): Is it appropriate to consider referring to me (and LO, when the time comes) by our legal and preferred surnames a boundary? If so, what's the best way to handle things if that boundary is stomped? What's the best way to communicate this boundary/information to DH's more extended family? And how can DH and I stand up for ourselves on this issue without coming across as self-righteous about our naming choices?