I wish I had found DWIL about 10 years ago because that's how long it's taken to get my in-law situation under control. Right now we're in an indefinite TO. DH has come an incredibly long way and I'm really proud of him. I found DWIL a few months ago and was thrilled/shocked by how similar the stories were to ours. The Christmas cancer, magic vag, gaslighting, playing GMOTY, flying monkeys. It was such a relief to know our situation wasn't unique.
I shared DWIL with DH last month. One of the first threads he read was about CO and a specific post by MrsPandaBear inspired him to write this letter (which was mailed today):
Dear Mom,
In order for me to continue our relationship, and with hopes to
build a new healthy and loving relationship with you, I would need assurance of the following-
1. You are in therapy
2. You are being medicated for your condition (and have been for at least six months)
3. Your agreement to "ground rules" we previously established
4. No contact with my kids until we have established at least a civil relationship without flare ups or repeats of old patterns for at least six months.
I send this with hopes that you will take this opportunity to make affirmative actions that I truly believe will improve your quality of life.
Your Loving Son, DH
I've never started a thread before so I have no BG to link, but basically it's been a lot of guilt tripping, emotional blackmail, BSC episodes, boundary stomping, etc.
Three years ago DH and I went to a family therapist w/ MIL & FIL. We had been TO from ILs for about 18 months, during which time we had DS (child #3). ILs had started calling again and DH was hoping that we could somehow salvage a relationship. DH and I met w/ the therapist twice on our own to let her know what our goals were. We basically wanted her to help mediate when we told ILs that we were willing to see them, but on our terms. Then we brought the ILs to a session and all hell broke loose. MIL started by telling the therapist she was convinced I wanted three things (TRIGGER)...1. for her to have a nervous breakdown 2. for FIL to divorce her and 3. for her to commit suicide. Things just went downhill from there. But it was good for me because a totally neutral 3rd party got to experience the crazy first hand.
The ILs went to two sessions with us, but once they realized that we were a united front and that we were not there to negotiate they stopped going. DH and I continued on our own for awhile to work on boundary setting. The therapist told us that MIL was "diagnosable" but that it was hard to pinpoint the issues in only two visits. Her best guess was bi-polar, borderline pd and narcissistic pd. DH said he felt better knowing there was a reason for her behavior and that nothing he did or said would help. The best thing I got from the sessions was the therapist backing me up on very limited contact w/ ILs, never leaving kids alone w/ them and only meeting them in public places. ILs have no interest in those rules so we've only seen them 5 times in the last 3 years.
They have ramped up their efforts lately. Calling DH frequently at work and on cell. FIL can't handle MIL's "issues" and wants DH to call her and "make her feel better". MIL just wants to berate and manipulate him, so DH has been BH the calls for months. He finally decided something had to be done so he sent the letter. I asked if I could post on DWIL and he said yes and that he'd like feedback. When I asked him what he'd like to add to the post he emailed me this "That this was years in the making, and although there are no expectations that even one of the demands will be met, I still made an effort to be civil and hopeful. And that we will post updates when we get her response."
I know it's a blunt group that doesn't sugar coat their opinions. DH is hoping for positive feedback though. He probably does NOT have his BGP on so please be gentle. I'm really proud of him.