MIL has been constantly ill since we got married. She feels that my husband will leave her in old age. She is only 60 but 60 is old in a third world country we come from. Also, DILs are not respected and husbands are encouraged to give priority to parents over spouse. On the other hand, while I was being nice to her in the beginning, wanted to be accepted. I thought I'm educated and if I'm nice to her, I can avoid DIL/MIL drama but she completely wanted to rule over me, treated me very badly like an incompetent house servant. Dictating how I should spend my time. She was there to show me the ropes. Her version of happy family is one with no boundaries. We both should obey her wishes and keep her happy. We live in another country so when she is here, she is completely dependent on us. I understand that flights are expensive for a two weeks stay but she insists of staying for minimum 2 months. I understand that it can be boring but she feels abandoned by him if we go out alone without her. She sulks for a few hours until he gives her full attention like a small child. Feels like three in a marriage. I feel suffocated. Any attempts to convey our boundaries and setting limits, ends up her feeling ill in the following days.
She has visited us thrice. First time, it was neutral, my mum was visiting us at the same time, no issues. Second time, she was like super know-it-all mum who was going to teach me how to live, keep my house and keep my husband happy, keep their family traditions going etc. When I contested hard that I don't want to be treated like a slave and have a personality transplant and delayed her next year's visit, she has since then been saying she feels abandoned, alone and even mentioned having suicidal thoughts many times to my husband and her relatives. She really did things that would make her not like her and then tells my husband, she feels he married to wrong woman who is going to make him leave her. Well the way she has acted so far had made me come to that conclusion. I wasn't remotely thinking about it when we got married.
We do not have any children and I already want my child(ren) to not have any contact with her. My husband thinks I'm being unreasonable. But I feel like I have no importance. She gets to have a relationship with my husband and my future kids but gets to chose to ignore me. My husband seems fine with it. I'm feeling very territorial. I usually like relatives staying with us and is a nice change. But she looks at me with contempt and I feel like I should just divorce my husband to get rid of her. My husband is easily irritated/agitated and is not so easy to live with. I had to develop a thick skin to keep some boundaries with him but at least I could argue with him fairly and say what I want to say. We were working on our issues. But MIL started visiting and has affected our relationship badly. We are in a deadlock situation and can't see each others viewpoint. Husband sides temporarily whosoever is giving him more grief. I know that if I'm constantly arguing with him, he will keep her away but he never wants to on his own. She has not been diagnosed with any personality disorder but won't seek any help too. But her extreme abandonment fear and other characteristics point to something bigger than just someone who is insecure. For them I'm too uptight and don't forget and move on. Everything that I feel has been done wrong to me becomes like an event in the past that they blame me for dragging it on. They think I should move on, I'm hanging onto the past. I don't know I have never continued to have relationship with people who violate my boundaries like this. I didn't think having a relationship with in laws was so important to me so why does it bother me so much that I'm ready to give up on the marriage? I feel that if I want a happy married life, I will have to find it somewhere else. Feels bad to leave my husband but frustrating part is that even though he makes all the right noises, he gives in to her in the end. I'm loosing trust in him. Every decision against her is equivalent to abandoning her, he feels the guilt. Well the discussions lately have been that I'm asking him to choose between her and me because I cannot have her in our lives. My husband tells her off but has never disobeyed her requests on how long she wants to visit. He thinks he cannot tell her not to and does not want to. Thanks if you had read this far.