BG: I had a pretty happy/standard childhood. In retrospect, my parents had a tumultuous relationship (my dad cheated a few times, had a child around the same time my little sister was born) but as kids we had no idea. I've always been a daddy's girl. They split my sophomore year of college, not amicably, and my mom bought a house in the suburbs and moved with my two younger sisters who were 8 and 10 at the time. I've always maintained a relationship with my dad even if I didn't see/speak to him as often as I did my mom who I am super close to. Both my parents have been in long term relationships over the last 10 years.
DH and I got married in 2012 and I asked dad to walk me down the aisle with my mom. Dad's long term gf was invited (I have a good relationship with her. She didn't attend. Presumably bc he didn't want her to) as was my stepdad. I have a lovely wedding day, even though I find out before the ceremony my stepdad won't make it bc his mother is sick. Sad but the day goes on as intended. I find out a week after we get home from our honeymoon that my stepdad did in fact make it up to the wedding, was confronted by my father in the hotel parking lot and got punched in the face.
I was beside myself that he would do this. At the wedding of all places (I'm not a special snowflake, but I was the first of his 4 daughters to get married and it was the first time our families had gathered in that scale for a happy occasion so it was a pretty special day for everyone). I confront him about it and he gives me some story about how he and my stepdad used to be friends before stepdad started dating my mom and he confided in him things about him, my mom, etc bro to bro, that my stepdad then turned around and told my mom and she used the info against him in child support hearings. Idk that I believe him but also, this was YEARS ago. At that point my baby sister was almost 22. I try to make him understand that it hurt me that he would put this petty, selfish grudge over my happiness on my wedding day. Wouldn't work. He kept saying he didn't regret it and that every time he saw my stepdad he would fight him. I tell him that he's gonna have to get a grip because DH and i will start a family one day and I am not going to stop inviting my mom/stepdad places to avoid a brawl so if he wants to be involved in our lives he'd have to get over it.
Two years later my daughter was born, he came to the hospital when my stepdad wasn't there. When we had the baby's christening he came and as soon as my stepdad walked in the church he up and left. So clearly this feud in his head is more important to him than being there for us and sharing special moments with me and his granddaughter. Despite all this, I've always reached out to him and tried to maintain a relationship so he could see the baby, etc.
THE QUESTION FINALLY!
Last fall my younger sister got pregnant and her fiance died right after they found out right around the 8 week mark. Obviously she was going through a very difficult time. She ended up losing her job and my dad offered to have her move in to his spare bedroom. He hasn't really been there for my little sisters bc he didn't live with them as kids so everyone was really excited about him stepping up this way. About a week after my sister moved in he started to complain to my mom that all sis did was stay locked up in her room, didn't talk to him, wasn't showering, etc. Well duh, she's pregnant, hormonal and mourning. We all know she's struggling w depression and are keeping tabs on her etc and ask him to be patient w her. A week later he's "at his wits end" and can't do it anymore. He hates coming home bc he knows she's moping in her room. She's a dark cloud and he works hard all day and doesn't want to come home to feel all that anxiety. A week later, he practically kicks her out and she moves into my mom's smaller apt.
I am livid that, again, he is SO selfish as to kick out his pregnant, grieving daughter because it was an inconvenience to have her "moping around". So I just stop talking to him. I do send him a video of the baby for his bday and a pic for Father's day.
My daughter's second bday is coming up and we're throwing her a little party for the first time. I invite my dad. He replies saying that since my stepfather will be there and he doesn't want to go to jail he will not attend. I just reply "ok" but I am really hurt. Again.
Now I'm wondering, am I the only one that cares about a relationship here? My 3 other sisters have completely written him off (partly for the ordeal w my pregnant sister along with other personal affronts) so it's especially hurtful that I'm the only one that's even making an effort with him and it seems like he could not care any less. Is it time to cut my loses? I can't imagine not having a relationship w him and it makes me VERY sad that daughter wouldn't either so if there's some way to at least keep him in my life somewhat that would be my preference.
DH and I got married in 2012 and I asked dad to walk me down the aisle with my mom. Dad's long term gf was invited (I have a good relationship with her. She didn't attend. Presumably bc he didn't want her to) as was my stepdad. I have a lovely wedding day, even though I find out before the ceremony my stepdad won't make it bc his mother is sick. Sad but the day goes on as intended. I find out a week after we get home from our honeymoon that my stepdad did in fact make it up to the wedding, was confronted by my father in the hotel parking lot and got punched in the face.
I was beside myself that he would do this. At the wedding of all places (I'm not a special snowflake, but I was the first of his 4 daughters to get married and it was the first time our families had gathered in that scale for a happy occasion so it was a pretty special day for everyone). I confront him about it and he gives me some story about how he and my stepdad used to be friends before stepdad started dating my mom and he confided in him things about him, my mom, etc bro to bro, that my stepdad then turned around and told my mom and she used the info against him in child support hearings. Idk that I believe him but also, this was YEARS ago. At that point my baby sister was almost 22. I try to make him understand that it hurt me that he would put this petty, selfish grudge over my happiness on my wedding day. Wouldn't work. He kept saying he didn't regret it and that every time he saw my stepdad he would fight him. I tell him that he's gonna have to get a grip because DH and i will start a family one day and I am not going to stop inviting my mom/stepdad places to avoid a brawl so if he wants to be involved in our lives he'd have to get over it.
Two years later my daughter was born, he came to the hospital when my stepdad wasn't there. When we had the baby's christening he came and as soon as my stepdad walked in the church he up and left. So clearly this feud in his head is more important to him than being there for us and sharing special moments with me and his granddaughter. Despite all this, I've always reached out to him and tried to maintain a relationship so he could see the baby, etc.
THE QUESTION FINALLY!
Last fall my younger sister got pregnant and her fiance died right after they found out right around the 8 week mark. Obviously she was going through a very difficult time. She ended up losing her job and my dad offered to have her move in to his spare bedroom. He hasn't really been there for my little sisters bc he didn't live with them as kids so everyone was really excited about him stepping up this way. About a week after my sister moved in he started to complain to my mom that all sis did was stay locked up in her room, didn't talk to him, wasn't showering, etc. Well duh, she's pregnant, hormonal and mourning. We all know she's struggling w depression and are keeping tabs on her etc and ask him to be patient w her. A week later he's "at his wits end" and can't do it anymore. He hates coming home bc he knows she's moping in her room. She's a dark cloud and he works hard all day and doesn't want to come home to feel all that anxiety. A week later, he practically kicks her out and she moves into my mom's smaller apt.
I am livid that, again, he is SO selfish as to kick out his pregnant, grieving daughter because it was an inconvenience to have her "moping around". So I just stop talking to him. I do send him a video of the baby for his bday and a pic for Father's day.
My daughter's second bday is coming up and we're throwing her a little party for the first time. I invite my dad. He replies saying that since my stepfather will be there and he doesn't want to go to jail he will not attend. I just reply "ok" but I am really hurt. Again.
Now I'm wondering, am I the only one that cares about a relationship here? My 3 other sisters have completely written him off (partly for the ordeal w my pregnant sister along with other personal affronts) so it's especially hurtful that I'm the only one that's even making an effort with him and it seems like he could not care any less. Is it time to cut my loses? I can't imagine not having a relationship w him and it makes me VERY sad that daughter wouldn't either so if there's some way to at least keep him in my life somewhat that would be my preference.
