This is going to be long but I need to talk it out. It's a beast of a post but I baked a cake full of feelings just for you and now that I'm done writing it I don't feel much better. I am unsure of myself and don't know if I'm being unreasonable.
I'll quickly summarize the stupidest situation ever that earned him a TO: Sunny, my lab, was outside napping on the deck for about a half hour on a nice day. I was inside at the kitchen table keeping an eye on her. She was 10ft away from me snoozing. FIL flipped out on me because he thought she needed water. A sane person would have filled up a bowl and put it outside without screaming obscenities, but not FIL. I didn't even realize that the bowl that's normally outside had been moved inside and Sunny wasn't distressed or looking for it, so my concern level was at zero. I'm not about to stop someone from giving my dog water, I wasn't intentionally doing anything wrong and she was snoring like the happy sun dog she is.
I tell FIL "If you think she needs it you can give her water, that's fine." He responded by screaming at me again so I told him "I don't need this right now." and moved to exit the room. He says "No, I think you need need this." So, confused because I have never been rude to him, I said "Um, I don't think so." and then he told me to shut up.
Two years of listening to his filthy mouth and silently keeping it bottled up wedged a hair up my pregnant hormonal ass, and I boiled over. I said "I am not your wife, I am not your child and I am not your friend. You have gotten way too comfortable with me. Clearly everyone else is fine with your behavior but I'm not about to be bullied and let it go. So enjoy a really long TO." I was shaking like a leaf. Way to blindside me with some trivial bullshit. I am trying to bake a baby AND I was dealing with a bacterial infection in my gut while we were visiting. It was horrible and then he wanted to scream at me.
So I packed our stuff, cancelled all of our plans and drove 10 hours back to Nope-Not-Dealing-With-This-Shit-ville the next morning.
Background:
When I was delivering my LO FIL sent this text: "Congratulations. We must take your word in our granddaughter since this is first grandchild we were not allowed to see and hold after birth. Show her our pictures so she knows she is loved by the grandparents who will be there for her as she grows if we are allowed! Love grandpa and gramps, no hyphen needed "
That was in response to my DH telling them that we wanted 24 hours alone and then they could visit. They were quickly bumped from their first in line position to see our new baby. I was P-I-S-S-E-D. I just delivered a baby, I had a horrible infection, and these people were upset because they didn't get a front row seat to the birth, and their first reaction is to send new parents THAT? And then to take a dig at us considering hyphenating our last names on her BC. DH and I were both tired and stressed, so I put it out of mind and went on with trying to enjoy my new baby. I should have put them in a TO then and there, but I didn't, I just brushed it under the rug like an imbecile and thought it was a freak incident and would be the end of it.
Now, two years later, DH is insisting that it was his fault because he wasn't clear enough with them and it was a misunderstanding. That wasn't a misunderstanding, that was an insane reaction to a reasonable request. He tried to use that as an excuse and I told him that if that is how FIL reacts to misunderstandings why would I want him around me at all? Wouldn't a normal person ask for clarification before they sent a nastygram? Previous behavior is part of the reason I want a nice peaceful birth and know what to expect from FIL, so I'm shutting it down early. Partially because before any of this happened he (DH) and MIL both casually dropped (not at the same time)"Why don't we come down a week early and stay a week after to help." I would love help! Preferably paid, fireable and not you.
My MIL and DH are so used to this man being a jerk that they tune him out and ignore it. I didn't think DH was excuse level doormat, but over the last month, and especially the last week, I've seen a new side of him that's going to need some de-unicornificatin. We've been very different from SILs family. They are enmeshed while DH and I are both introverts and would maybe see them once a month if we felt like it. I'm a little like... Wtf? over here.
FIL is so mean and petty 100% of the time. It's really hard to describe someone's behavior so you get the true depth of how awful they act, but think Archie Bunker. He's crotchety and creates a toxic environment for everyone. He's also transphobic and slightly racist. Which is a lot of fun because I'm half black and I'm a fierce supporter of LGBT rights. So that's nice.
My husband is a professor and gets to go to conferences all over the world and the country. This year, mid May, he got to go to Italy so naturally I made him take us with. Then we thought, let's invite the in-laws because the trip would be cheaper and it's a great opportunity for everyone! I honestly had this delusion that it would be fine because FILs bitchassedness aside, I generally don't mind my in laws. But I knew when even DH was annoyed booking it with them what was ahead. Do I need to tell you that it was the trip from hell? You already know how this is going to turn out. It was so bad that I cancelled going to Rome because I didn't want to be alone with them and a toddler after they left me and LO the day before in a basilica. It turned out I dodged a bullet.
They. Left. Me.
It was the most terrifying half hour of my life. I turned around and they were GONE. They decided to go back to the city square and wait for our tour group early, but they didn't tell me that. I was frantically combing this basilica looking for them thinking they have to be there somewhere they wouldn't just leave us. There were hundreds of people coming in and out and it quickly became a nightmare. I was scared to be left in Sicily with my toddler and 20 euros. Eventually time was up and I knew the tour would leave if I didn't get back, so I ran hoping that I would remember the way back. High five to me for running down hills in the rain with a toddler on my chest and not dying. By the time we got there my LO and I were bawling. Our tour guide was trying to reassure me. That poor unlucky woman was so upset that I was upset and FIL was yelling at me. I was having a full blown anxiety attack and I was embarrassed it was even happening. (for clarification DH was back in Florence working) Pro Tip: When travelling, stick together! Duuuh.
That was the start of him treating me like crap. The rest of the trip he would say the meanest things to me. He was constantly in my ear complaining. He kept calling the Pakistani guy at the shop down the road from our apartment the Banana Man repeatedly. DH shut that down thankfully. Just a constant barrage of insults, complaints, bitching and moaning the entire time. That's just the bare bones of what went down in Italy. Y'all knew that was gonna happen. Let's move along.
So that's some background, minus some minor boundary stomping. Let's fast forward to last week. DH and I are having a blow out because FIL thinks I'm punishing him, I should serve LO up on a platter, blah blah blah. So I told him that he could put my ring on FIL if he is going to stomp all over me. I feel like if you can't respect the parents then you are not entitled the kids, especially if everyone's excuse for you is that you can't control yourself. Duh. Way to make me feel like an incubator. "I'm cool without you, I don't care how you feel, just let me have the kids." Oookay!?
DH and I are fine, we are on the same page now. He wants everyone to be happy and by doing so he threw me under the bus and it took breaking down the situation piece by piece for him to get it through his head. I had to explain to him that I am his wife, I am pregnant, I'm dealing with depression and unwanted suicidal/intrusive thoughts (I am in therapy, my OB knows, please don't worry) and I am not going to deal with the stress that his father causes me. His nuclear family is more important than daddy's feelings. I want to spend the rest of my pregnancy in peace. I know he still wants everyone to poop rainbows but... Sometimes it just doesn't work like that. I plan to drag him to counselling as soon as I nail this therapy thing down and can clear my head because that was too left field for me. I also don't think that he truly understood the depth of what I've been going through but he knew his dad was grating on my nerves. So If he starts up again I will flip a table on him because he should have shut him down before this escalated.
So FIL sends DH this email to forward to me a couple days ago:
"I wish to apologize to Allie as I spoke out of line when I thought Sunny needed water. As I replied to Allie at the time, I have never said anything to Allie or questioned her abilities or care of LO. (untrue, but whatever)
It has to be extremely hurtful to LO to deny her any contact with her Grandpa, I know it is for me.
I hope you accept this apology and we can move forward."
It's a short curt "apology" and I know it took a lot for him to even send it because he was very adamant that he was not going to apologize to me. I think that's as good as it's going to get and he was probably pressured by MIL anyway.
I thanked him for his apology and told him that behaviors have consequences.
Then I explained to him that I don't think it's unreasonable that if someone is consistently nasty to me that I don't have to hand my children over to them or see them. Ever. A TO is definitely punishment, but I'm not intentionally using my child as leverage. I have rules, terms and conditions I guess, and he crossed it. I didn't say this, but my 22 month old sleeps just fine at night. We live 10 hours away. It might be hurtful to her if they lived 5 minutes away and she saw them regularly but she isn't devastated that she won't be seeing them over the holidays. She'd be sadder if Daniel Tiger was cancelled. This is a time out, not a permanent cut off/death sentence.
More background: My ED doesn't have contact with my LO or my family because she was abusive and toxic, so I literally kicked her out of my house and cut her off (with your help). FIL isn't as extreme, not by a long shot, but I'm at this point where I'm done. I spent 25 years being belittled and cut down, I struggle with it every day and I don't want to spend the next 25 years that way. Shame on me for letting anything slide. My toddler witnessed him screaming at me twice. That is not a behavior that I want her to think is acceptable. KWIM? I'm over here trying not to be my mom or let anyone else assume her role as #1 narcissist in my life.
So anyway, I told him that whether I accept his apology is dependant on his future actions. That it turns out we are not going back home this holiday or most of next year anyway, that has nothing to do with him and to direct any questions to DH. In the meantime I will black hole future responses and that I want a stress free pregnancy, thanks ahead of time for respecting my wishes.
I don't feel like everything can be sunshine and rainbows because he emailed an apology. It's a start but it's not a fix all. Right now I just want it to be dropped and I want to be left alone. I have shut the holiday travel down. I will be 7 months pregnant and I'm not spending 10 hours in a car each way, staying in a hotel (FIL told DH he can treat me however he wants in his house. I'm not going to put myself in that situation so I'd be by myself for Christmas in a hotel. It took DH a minute to see how dickish that is) and boarding my dogs. I would love to see my brother and my friends who are all back home, and I would love for LO to have a big happy holiday with family but I'm choosing to park my large pregnant ass on the couch and ring in the new year with a tub of sugar cookies. That sounds much nicer than a stress filled trip to me.
But this is where things get muddy.
At this point I feel like I keep failing over and over again to do what's right, I'm so unsure of myself that I feel muddled and confused. I stand up for myself = I'm wrong. I don't stand up for myself = I'm wrong. I don't know if I made the right decision to put him in a TO or if I'm just an over reactor fueled by sad feelings and hormones. And I feel really really alone on this. I went to battle by myself.
I guess I just expect to be told I'm a horrible person, I did the wrong thing the wrong way, and to let it go.
They're going to want to come visit when the new baby is born. He technically apologized, and I know everyone around me is going to say "Shouldn't you get over it? He said sorry, what more do you want?" I don't want to say no and be an asshole, but I also feel like I'm going to be vulnerable pp. I think there has to be some compromise but I'm so shitty at life that somehow I'm going to screw it up. I'm not going to hold a grudge forever, I really don't want to drag this out or anything, I just want to be treated better. Would holding off on a visit until I'm ready be too much to ask?
Maybe I made a molehill out of a mountain, and I don't have enough perspective to realize it's not THAT bad. My confidence is at zero right now.