It is with some trepidation that I post here again... but here goes.
Relevant BG:
MIL and FIL have a horrible relationship. I honestly don't know why they're still married.. but it's partially b/c MIL feels like she has no other option than stay married. A whole other kettle o' fish there, but there it is. MIL and FIL are (IMO) equally at fault for their shitty relationship.
MIL and I have butted heads in the past, but MIL is a combination of a doormat and trainable and I've been the Bigger Bitch enough that she has followed my boundaries to a "T" as of late and had been very good. In the past she's been passive-aggressive and has a martyr thing going on, but it's been reined in as of late. Before DWIL I had put her on a TO and she's never crossed the line since then. Her feelings are hurt VERY easily however, but not in the typical DWIL-manipulative way.
FIL is basically an asshole. He's not a narc as far as I can tell, but he's bitter and is self absorbed in that he does what he when he wants with little regard for anyone else. He is a farmer and does almost all the hard farming stuff on his own. When it's a big job, DH helps. FIL has alieanated most people in his life, including to some degree his daugther and her family. He and MIL are not really on speaking terms. DH is the only person who seems to be able to communicte with him to any degree, and even that is sketchy. DH and FIL are enmeshed-but-not. It's a strange dynamic that I have trouble putting my finger on. I think there's a lot of "duty!" there but not a lot of unicorns. But sometimes, becuase who doesn't like a sparky white horse with a horn.
Anyway.
FIL is bizarrely great with the kids. Both MIL and DH have said FIL was an EXCELLENT father. (It's only in the past 10-15 years that MIL/FIL started hating each other). He shows them things around the farm, takes them on walks with the dogs, helps them "work," plays with them, ETC. It is truly like seeing a different person. I know he doesn't say anything to them about any of us (MIL, DH, me) because that's just not his style. He isn't a backbiter/gossip-er. Honestly if he was DECENT to Me/DH/MIL I'd think we'd hit the grandpa jackpot. OF COURSE the kids LOVE FIL. (They LOVE MIL also.)
My kids don't get alone time w/MIL/FIL very often. I'm a SAHM and enjoy my kids. Although, the two oldest do stay w/MIL sometimes so I can participate in my hobby which is nearly impossible to do with 3 small kids. I end up paying a neighbor girl to watch the littlest but it's a lot for her to watch all 3, and the kids love their time with MIL and it's very enriching so... it has been fine.
Now to the issue at hand.
One of my HTDO has always been *the kids do not ride on farm equipment without a cab.* So they can go in DH's tractor with me, or FIL, or DH because it has a cab. They do this and love it. I have a serious fear of what might happen if they fell off of a tractor with no cab. Of course I believe FIL would be as careful as possible but shit, accidents happen. In fact he once (when we were still speaking) got on a roll and told me about all the horrible things that HAVE happened with large equipment. Obviously it left an impact on me.
Well today, DS and DD went with DH to the farm and played with FIL and MIL. I was home sick/doing housework with the baby. (BOY IS IT NICE to actually accomplish stuff!!! I digress...) When they got home, DS (4) was telling me how "grandpa let him drive the tractor." This didn't immediately set off alarm bells to me because grandpa does drive w/him in OUR CAB tractor, and lets DS "drive" (aka steer). I know it sounds crazy but I know that FIL is right there, helping etc. Anyway, I offhandedly asked what tractor and DS told me it was "grandpa's." See where this is going??? Grandpa's tractor has no cab.
DH justified it "they were going slow" and "it's going to happen eventually" and "I did that when I was his age..." etc. You know all the typical things that mean jack shit. It's all stupid because there is no reason DS couldn't have gone in our cab tractor. It's stupid because there's no reason for this risk.
I. Was. Furious. But since the kids were around I told him (parahprase, becasue when I get mad I have trouble remembering exact words/phrases).
"If you ever wonder why I don't enjoy talking to FIL, it's because of things like this. He completely ignored one of my FEW rules for our child. DS could have been hurt or killed. This was about what HE wanted to do and he disregarded COMPLETELY the safety of my son. The fact that you stood by and watched makes me even more furious because you're my husband, this is YOUR child. YOU also disregarded the safety of your son instead of making your dad mad. You put his desires in front of everyone's, including your wife. INCLUDING the safety of your son. I love DS and I don't want anything to happen to him. I have very very few requests and you know this is one of them... you simply ignored it and that makes me angry and disappointed. I no longer feel that I can trust you or FIL with our kids' safety. I'm going outside now because I do not want to talk about this. I'm so upset I'm shaking."
We didn't talk about it again, he's gone for work and won't be home until tomorrow. He did say that "we'll talk when you're ready." Which was nice because usually he pushes.
I'm not in a position to "couch" him, because he won't go. Not how our relationship works.
I'm not ready to two-card him.
This is a big fucking deal and I'm not willing to rug-sweep this or be gaslight into thinking that this is OK.
What I need from dWIL is a set of talking points I can write down to organize my thoughts for a calm and hard-hitting conversation, as I get emotional/cry wehn things get heated.
Fun little phrases like "crawl out of your daddy's asshole" and so on are certainly fun to type but will get me nowhere personally.
Beyond the talking points with my DH, I also was wondering if I should call MIL and tell her that the kids won't be over because of the fact that FIL took my child on a tractor with no cab (a boundary EVERYONE knows about). I know it's not MIL's fault, and I know she'd never do it, however I CANNOT TRUST FIL not to come take the kids to do someting when they're over, and then him do it again. i don't want to put mIL in the position to refuse to let him take the kids. FURTHER, I don't trust FIL to not say something like "Don't tell your mommy..." DS knows he shouldn't ride in a tractor w/no cab and knew I was upset about it, and actually apologized. I'm FURIOUS That FIL made DS feel that he'd done something bad (he's FOUR for godsssake, he shouldn't be put in this position by someone who loves him).
I just feel bad punsihing MIL for something she didn't do and had no control over, especially as she's worked hard to keep our boundaries, and I don't want her to not know WHY. Left to her own she'll somehow make it her fault/feel bad/guilty/etc. She won't do anythign about that but it's just not fair.
Going forward I'm going to say no kids at the farm with MIL or FIL unless I'm present. Since I"m a SAHM that shouldn't be hard to do. Obviously DH has no qualms about ignoring my boundaries becasue "he survived."
Any other thoughts are welcome. Sorry this got long.
