First, an update on my situation: As many of you know, my mom is staying with us right now. It has not gone any worse than I thought because I prepared myself for the worst. In many ways it has been better. In some ways it has been a mixed blessing. For instance, she got hit with 2 debts that she wasn't expecting while living here. She wasn't expecting them because she wasn't checking her mail, so she owns that. But, the fact that she was living here made it possible to get these debts paid.
She had a job and lost it. So, 2 1/2 months she was living here and not working. Thankfully she is working now at a job that seems to make her happy.
While she wasn't working, she was getting a bit too comfortable parenting my kids in my opinion. I fixed that by going on a little lc with her. Meaning, I filled my days with the kids and weekends with my family of 4 and we were less available. That really helped me mentally and also seemed to fix the problem. I also have had no problem saying, "don't parent my kids" any time I saw her doing it.
There have been arguments. One was today. Which is where this post really begins.
I have a lot of anger with my mom and I have never really understood it. I feel like I am cold a lot towards her. This didn't start after she moved in with us.
One of the things I did to make me feel sane was book Thanksgiving away this year. Just my husband and kids and I. Typically, my SIL hosts and invites my mom and brother. This year, I needed a break. So, after I booked it, I told my mom so she had plenty of time to plan something else.
Today I asked about her plans. She is waiting to see if one of her friend's will be home and thinking they may do it together. We have done holiday meals with them before. She did ask if it was just her and my brother, could they have it here at my house.
I. was. furious.
First I said I'd talk to my husband and then I asked why she'd have to do it here. Why couldn't they use my brother's apartment? It seemed everything was really contingent on other things (work schedule, friend's plan etc) so she may or may not need our place.
As I have mentioned in past posts, I have huge boundaries. The thought of my mom and brother using my home for Thanksgiving was making me furious. What would they do if I wasn't an option and refused to help or even be in their lives? They'd figure it out. But, I feel like I am always an easy solution. It makes me feel used. It makes me feel overwhelmed. It makes me feel selfish. It makes me feel guilty.
I saw red and so many things came out of me dating back to childhood. Things that I swallowed because I felt if I ever brought them up it would hurt her. She accused me of talking about her behind her back and I gave her two huge examples from my life where she did the same or worse to me. I was not backing down.
She didn't remember ANYTHING I brought up. It made me furious, confused and relieved all at once. Furious because some of these things were crappy memories that I have never let go and my mother couldn't even remember them!
Confused because I wondered how she couldn't remember them and wondered if she even believed me. I found myself giving details because to me it feels like yesterday. I told her where I was sitting and where she was sitting when I had told her one thing that happened to me as a child. And, that that was the SECOND time I had told her. She didn't remember. Nothing. How?
And the relief was that she hadn't remembered so she had not been carrying this weight herself all of these years. For some reason, that made me feel better. That she didn't have to worry about it? I don't understand that feeling at all.
And then I found myself feeling the relief of unburdening myself and the guilt of burdening her.
And here's the thing. I don't even know if this has anything to do with my anger or if this was me trying to best her in the argument.
I can think of many things that have made me mad since she has moved in.
But, I know my anger goes deeper. And I don't really know why. My father is so much worse than her and I have basically just written him off as someone who will never change and isn't wirth the effort. It's like I let him off the hook and only see him 2 times a year because I can't stand him. I let her move in with me and I can't seem to let her off the hook for a thing.
Can anyone relate?
I know I need therapy to get answers to these questions. It's something I have been talking about for a while now. Maybe an expert can either tell me my feelings are valid or I'm just an awful person. Either would be better than this cycle of arguing, feeling guilty, trying to get along, holding things in and arguing again.
I guess there is no clear question other than can anyone relate? What helped? Is it me?