Lurker for about 6 months, read sticky - hope I do this right because really respect this community and all the members who provide such wisdom and good advice.
MIL goes between BSC and BEC in my book. She was more BSC around our wedding 5 years ago, I demanded she start treating us like adults (we were 30) and she dropped the rope with ME. She said to me during a CTJ meeting: "Sometimes I feel like you don't like me." To which I responded "You are my MIL and it's a complicated relationship."
She's done lots of boundary stomping, asking about our finances/general nosy behavior. Sending long emails with common sense advice etc. Trying to take credit for DuH's successes while blaming me for some of his perceived "failures." She does go through DuH for visits, which are few and far between (4-5 times a year, they travel out of state to visit DuH's cousin and her children on major holidays.) He does not particularly enjoy her, so a lot of the visits are me talking to her or my SIL while he goes in the garage with his step bro and/or SFIL. I have told him to knock that shit off but sometimes he "forgets". They live about 40 minutes away. MIL is a typical ice cold narc who loves talking about herself. She also talks down to my DuH regularly and he ignores her. I have lots of instances of stuff she's tried to pull if anyone needs more background.
Everything was going OK until ... you guessed it I found out I was pregnant. She basically ignored me the entire time I was pregnant, no congrats or anything until like 2 weeks before I was due. She would periodically ask me if my due date had changed. She dropped by to bring a gift one day when DuH was not home, she asked permission and I granted it. She told me that DuH had told her I had a scheduled C-Section. This was false. I said "No, I am not sure why he'd say that... he might have been trying to say it was a possibility because I have gestational diabetes and sometimes the babies get too big..." At this point I am not sure if my DH is just terrible at communicating with her (he is) or she is lying to try to get me to tell her when I am having the baby (she would). I was scheduled for a medically necessary induction but I did NOT want her to know about it. She then brushed it off that DH is just stupid and "didn't know anything" because he told her "that you didn't take ANY childbirth classes so he doesn't know what he's doing." Ugh regretted letting her come at that point. And yet...
I told her she would have to wait 1 week to meet the baby depending on how I was feeling. I felt fine after giving birth so they day after she was born I told my husband he could invite MIL and SFIL to the hospital for a 30-40 minute visit. I was being "nice." MIL behaved pretty well until she said "Well, should we set up a visitation schedule? We could make you dinner..." I cut her off so fast she didn't know what hit her. I JADEd a little. I said something like "No. We'll have to play the visits by ear, I'd hate to commit to something and disappoint later." DuH sat there and said nothing. My answer wasn't bad but it wasn't the best I could do either. I had to "well thanks for coming by" them because DuH didn't pick up on hints that I wanted them to give my baby back and leave. As she was leaving MIL repeated 3 times "thank you for sharing!" That struck me as weird but my DuH says that I just let everything she does bother me because I don't like her. What I was left with was "Visitations" and "Sharing." NO THANK YOU.
2 weeks after we bring LO home MIL calls to check on us and to tell DuH some updates on her family.
***Trigger***
MIL has breast cancer and GMIL and GFIL are "not doing too well" GFIL has had cancer for years. GMIL is deaf and losing her memory. MIL calls and wants to know when we can bring the baby to her house so her parents can meet her. The baby is named after GMIL. Now I am fine taking her up there to meet them, but I was thinking when she is about a month old. DH is panicked and feels like he needs to take her up like NOW because he thinks that they "don't have much time" per MIL. GPIL are in an assisted living home but can leave with MIL and SFIL. They are not in hospice care at the moment. MIL having cancer is a different story. I am not sure of her prognosis.
***end trigger***
DuH thinks I am using the baby to "create a wedge" between him and his family, because I said she's not going anywhere without me. I feel like MIL knew that she can use GPIL's health decline to manipulate DuH into doing what she wants. She is going to try to baby hog, and I going to have to shut her down and my DuH will not back me up. He does say no to her over the phone when I ask him to but he's worthless in person.
SO my question is am I being too hard on them? Am I just defensive because she's BEC right now? My DuH does has a point, I don't want to see MIL because I don't like her. And I don't want my LO around her. He agrees no unsupervised visits. I had a mean and overly critical grandmother and it fucked me up and I feel like my MIL will do the same thing to my daughter. I have no problem with GPIL but all visits with them seem to have to go through MIL and SFIL now. My fear is every time she wants us to visit it will be "This might be GPIL's last Thanksgiving, Christmas, Flag day whatever" which works on my DuH 100% of the time. I know I have a DuH problem and we are working on it but a lot of the time I get called mean because I don't want to be around MIL because she very clearly hates me. What can I do to handle this better? If I limit visits with the baby I am an asshole who is withholding the baby from people who may not be around much longer.