Long time lurker that occasionally comments. I have one other thread on DWIL that has helped me navigate issues with my FSM and dad (ITO for a few months that at this point in time see turning into a CO). The issues addressed in that thread went ignored for a long time due to the major problems with my inlaws and now it's time for a DWIL intervention.
Please, please read the entire post before commenting. I will try to be as terse as possible. (Triggers: animal abuse, anger)
BG: FIL has undiagnosed anxiety issues that have manifested into controlling, abusive behavior. These behaviors have always been excused as *quirks*. Major generational enmeshment, family dinners expected weekly, views our daughter (DH and I only have one LO-- she's a little over one y.o.) as his ticket to second retirement. We refuse to use family as childcare which makes him angry. FIL does not accept SIL because she is adopted (the family excuses this because really, FIL is concerned about future grandchildren and not knowing medical history... it's horrifying). DH does not remember a lot about his childhood (big huge red flag) and is now starting to recall his dad abusing animals that "disobeyed" him, and not being allowed to use the bathroom during certain hours/restricting food after 7 pm which we believe complicated his IBS.
Steps taken: DH and I are in therapy, waiting for the sticky's library books, waiting for a call-back from a town house to move away (we currently live in a property that is in the family's which makes FIL a sort-of landlord. DH and I initially did this as a favor to the family but now recognize that FIL is using this to keep control). We have been doing a slow fade (seeing them every other week... then every few weeks... so on.) We have had a sit-down conversation in the past to reinforce boundaries and remind them that we are busy and won't see them every week. They never see LO unless both DH and I are present in the room.
Incident: FIL's birthday is this wed. We visited this past saturday for a total of two hours. Classic give an inch take a mile stuff... my husband got this text from his brother:
"Hey mom asked me to see if you can go over on Dads birthday on Wednesday with [LO]. She doesnt want dad to see any txt on her phone so aked me to txt you. I'm not going to be the middle man on this though so you dont need to answer more, I'll let mom know I asked you and if you show up they will see you then. Hope all is well otherwise." [sic] the text speak hurts me more than it hurts you...
This is obviously bullshit on many levels. And no, DH will not be going over and would not take LO without me anyway. Regarding the texting thing... FIL spys on MIL's phone and reads through stuff. It's very messed up.
Question: BH bil or respond? Do we respond to MIL so that they know that we will not be there wed? No matter what, we are preparing for escalation but I just want to delay escalation as much as possible so we can get the hell out of this house and in a new address safe and far away.