My husband and I are both students. My NPILs own several properties, one of which they let us live in for 2 years. We paid rent and bills, due to me being uncomfortable living there for free (which is what they initially offered and insisted on) but my NPILs, being the Narcs that they are, substitute money for love. They strong armed DuH to accept money every month as a gift, (they do this for all their children). NMil even set up a standing order. Duh promised them that they would get every penny back once he graduated. This is still the plan.
Due to major boundary stomps, Narc rages and attempted bullying when my husband decided that he was no longer willing to play the role (of scapegoat) that they had chosen for him, we decided that it was best for us to move. Last month, we searched and found a lovely house, packed our belongings, moved. We did not give them warning that we were moving. After we'd settled into our new house (after a few days) DH sent a cut off email and sent their keys in the mail. The CO email stated reasons for cutting off,that we would not be providing them with our new address, as well as informing them that we had vacated their house, and they would receive the keys in the mail. It also stated that we no longer wanted money sent into DH's account every month so stop the standing order. This was the conclusion to the email:
"I can see that you have three options:
1. Sit on this email for as long as you require to calm down and see things clearly. Take months, years, however long you feel necessary. Come to a place of truth and accountability then reach out to me with a genuine heart, mind and intention to put things right. I would be willing to listen.
2. Never respond at all. If that is your choice, I accept it. If you think that I am ungrateful and cruel, then so be it. Let the chips fall where they may. It is better that we don’t try to forge a relationship with this underlying everything.
3. Respond, trying to explain, argue, excuse or dismiss the issues I have raised. I will delete such an email without reading it. Then I will block you, you'll never hear from me or see me again."
The following morning we got this gem from them:
"Good morning
We have read your email carefully and are distressed that we had not realized how difficult things have been for you. We appreciate how hard it has been for you to expose these problems from our family history, especially those arising over the last year or so. we had not realized how much needed to be discussed to clear the air. Although it will take a while to digest everything you have said in your email we would hope that there is a way forward without you feeling you need to cut yourself off completely. Can we meet together at a time and place to suit you to listen to your concerns and discuss how to stay together as a family?
I Know that both of you lead busy lives so it is probably best for you to decide on dates and times and let us know what suits you.
We hope to hear from you soon.
I confirm that the keys arrived this morning
NFIL
They only managed to last less that 24 hours before boundary stomping by sending that email. We black holed. Btw, they both sent the same email within 2 minutes of each other. Exactly the same email from their individual email accounts. Weird...
Regarding NFIL's email above, this is what DH and I drew from it:
We have read your email carefully and are distressed.
^ I think this is them trying to feign empathy, while achieving a double whammy of guilt. 'see how distressed you make us, wicked boy!'
that we had not realized how difficult things have been for you.
^ Considering we have emailed numerous times, and met in person at least 3 times to discuss these 'things', it is surprising that they didn't realize. SOunds a bit like them excusing themselves...
We appreciate how hard it has been for you to expose these problems from our family history,
^This is a more overt attack - they are responding to DuH raising how he was held back as a child (loooooong story, but essentially blocked from going to a good school because underachieving NBIL would be jealous, so went to a second rate school with NBIL)
especially those arising over the last year or so.
^This is almost laughable - they acknowledge the "problems from our family history" before promptly stating that they aren't very important. Sadly it is a classic move from them.
we had not realised how much needed to be discussed to clear the air
^ They are either trying to be funny (doubtful) or they seriously believe that over 10 emails and 3 face to face meetings never happened. I am unsure if they are lying or delusional.
Can we meet together at a time and place to suit you to listen to your concerns and discuss how to stay together as a family?
^this sounds like politician 'we're listening and learning' BS talk. I don't see any 'we love you and we do not want you to be cut off from us. Please come talk to us, we promise to listen and to take action to resolve these issues.'
Although it will take a while to digest everything you have said in your email we would hope that there is a way forward without you feeling you need to cut yourself off completely
^this is once more passing the responsibility to DH - he is the one doing wrong, not them. As if the CO is not a response, but an unjustified action completely out of the blue.
Anyway, the issue today is that DH and I were going through our finances, only to discover that MIL ignored our wishes. She paid money into DH's account as usual. I am fuming. I am proud of us getting our own home, standing on our own, being independent and adulting! I hate that she has disregarded our wishes by sending the money and not cancelling the standing order. To me, their money represents a noose around our necks; it's like a dark cloud around us (maybe that's just how much I dislike these people...) I don't want any of it. I feel like this is their way of comforting and convincing themselves that they love DH and using this little thing to remain in our lives. For as long as I've known DH, his parents have always used money in an abusive way in order to be emotionally manipulative. When we started distancing ourselves from them, not going to the NPILs for Christmas, attending family events etc. Mil came over and during one of her many outbursts blurted out that she had “come to the limits of love and support that [they] can offerâ€, because DH had ceased to toe the line and was no longer manageable.
So DH asked me to post here and ask on his behalf. We think there are three initial respoinses:
1.Should we just send back the money without saying a word? Our concern is that they'll just keep sending it back and we don't want a game of bank tennis.
2.Change bank accounts? We really do not want to do this - we don't want to give these people power over our lives.
3. Inform them that they have breached the conditions of their provisional CO, and therefore are into full CO. Money sent back, followed by numbers and emails being changed.
Can you guys help us write the email? He says he needs something firm and meaty. Lol. Please help!
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Stop Sending us Money!
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