Hi everyone,
I have been lurking on DWIL for a few weeks now and have started to realise things about my family. What I am wondering is if there are red flags coming up and if I should be wary about LO's birth.
BG on my nuclear family: I live in a Western European country but originally come from another neighbouring European country. DH is from the country where I live and his family mostly live nearby. All my FOO live in my country of origin. My FOO is about 4 hours away if flying/getting the train or about 2 days' driving. DH and I got married in 2014 and we are expecting our first much wanted LO in June.
BG on the ILS: they are mostly normal although enmeshed. I get on well with my PILs and usually enjoy spending time with them. However, before DH started dating me, they had this habit of having dinner together every Sunday evening. Every. Single. Week. And that annoyed me. I am not working on seeing them once a fortnight. I hate doing stuff on a Sunday night. I have a very stressful job and also suffer from anxiety and depression, which I am working on. Going home at 9.30pm on a Sunday is horrible. I told DH once LO is born there will be no Sunday night visits anymore as LO will need a routine. I have repeatedly told DH about my wished for the birth (only him in the room, no one at the hospital, not calling anyone until after LO is born, no hospital visits unless I have to stay several days and I decide LO and I are ready).
MIL has said several times she doesn't want to boundary stomp and to let her know if she ever does as she has friends who recently became grandparents and she has been hearing all the BSC that has been going on with the new mum and her ILS. She seems to appreciate me for whom I am and to be happy I am her DIL.
BUT there is a couple of things from the past that bother me. I don't know if she has changed or hasn't had any occasion to be annoying.
She pissed me off when we were planning our wedding, something bad. She asked if we could invite 10 of her friends. 10!! And when we said no, she went on and on and on about it. It is completely inappropriate to make any demands when it comes to someone else's wedding. Especially when we paid for it ourselves. If you must, ask politely and if people say no, say ok. FIL asked if we could invite one friend, we said no, he dropped it. So, MIL went on and on at the Sunday dinner table. Here are the things she used to make us change our minds:
- she was invited to her friend's daughter's wedding so we should invite her friends [Do I give a fuck? No.]
- she is happy about us getting married so she wants to celebrate with her friends [not about you]
- a wedding is about faaaaamily so we should take her opinion into consideration [a wedding is a bout the two people getting married, period.]
what would my own mother do? [my mum has issues but her own wedding was ruined by my grandmother, she wouldn't ruin mine]
she dared mention DH's disability at the dinner table, like "Think about how hard it was for us when you were little and we had all the medical care for you and my friends helped us so much" [DH says it's not true].
In the end, we gave up and said yes. Then, on our way back home, I burst into tears because of all the pressure that was put upon me. DH phoned MIL and told her never to do that to do me again. But he didn't say no. In the end, I invited 10 of my friends, turned around and said "Sorry, no room for your friends, they're not on the guest list anymore".
When we visited a venue and told them about it, MIL said GFIL couldn't go because of the stairs. DH loves his GF so the venue was changed. She went to check the venue on her own. Then when we changed venue, she went to the new venue with her friend to check it!
I had to compromise so said she could do a garden party the next day with her friends and DH and I would show up. She suggested I come wearing my wedding dress. I turned up in another dress claiming my wedding dress got torn (which it did). Then she asked to serve our wedding cake leftovers at her garden party. There was a huge amount of cake left, so I didn't mind as didn't want to waste. We show up at the garden party, she asks where the cake is. How would we know, it was our wedding night the night before, we didn't leave with the cake! Truth is, SHE expected us to have the cake and it was left at the venue. She made DH go get the cake from the venue and bring it back. At a party that was celebrating OUR wedding, DH had to go get a cake. I also had to take some of my friends invited to the party to the airport. Turned out their suitcases were in DH's car. Everyone involved was so stressed out while MIL was socialising with her friends.
After that, no more boundary stomping. I think DH was a bit of a DuH that day. Total lack of respect.
If you are still reading, thank you and well done :-)
BG on my FOO : we walk on egg shells around dad as he can get really angry all of a sudden and be emotionally abusive. Mum is an enabler (raised by an abusive dad) and specialises in guilt tripping. She has very little life outside her children. Three of us are grown with the last one still at home (teenager). We're also her emotional spouses as dad DGAF about her feelings. A few things came up recently that worry me. My sister thinks the same, we have talked about it a lot. I love my sister, we have a great relationship. No GC/SG for us, we are all in the same boat. My parents seem to believe I'm "better" because I'm university educated and the others aren't. It's meaningless to me and my siblings and I have never cared because we are all equal to each other.
My brother and SIL had DNe back in July. Mum was supposed to be the childminder, they wanted to pay her, she refused to be paid. Anyway. Before DNe's birth, they thought SIL was amazing. Then shit started to hit the fan. My mum is jealous, jealous of SIL's mum and the fact she sees Dne more and also jealous of my MIL because she sees me more. She pulled the "my baaaaaaaby" crap, so much that it was becoming awkward. I told her to stop calling Dne that, that he was SIL's son and not hers. She turned it around saying she couldn't say "my baaaaby" because SIL is a bitch and gives her the evil eye.
One day they were supposed to go to the maternity to visit, my parents had a fight and my dad rugswept as usual with no apologies, saying he was going to see his grandchild and she could come if she wanted. She did, although she is unable to manage her emotions. So she showed up at the maternity sulking and being pissed at everyone, especially since there were other visitors and she should be the only one. Well, then brother thought hang on a minute, that's the last straw, with all the shit that happened to us and the way we were raised, she isn't looking after my child. He was so hurt about her behaviour and the fact she couldn't put things aside to be happy about Dne, he texted me so many times the following days – my brother never talks about his feelings. They hired a childminder, which was the ultimate betrayal to my mum, because she thinks she is the best with children.
When I visited for a few days, I heard her make P/A comments all the time, especially about Bfeeding. SIL chose to Ffeed and my mum is a BF advocate. If Dne has reflux, it was because of FF (false). If Dne smelled strange, it was because of FF. BF is so much better, blablabla. I did say to her every woman should be free to choose. Answer "Yes, of course. BUT if you have milk, it's stupid not to use it". Ok, then. She never held Dne because she doesn't ask, we have to guess what she wants. Then I saw her snatch Dne out of SIL's arms and then turned around so my dad couldn't look at him.
When I visited for Christmas, the P/A shit about Bfeeding was still on. Now SIL is a bitch and mum invented a story about how she thinks SIL tricked my brother about having this baby, and that SIL is nothing special. Jealousy is ugly.
She complains she "never" sees them although they live 5 minutes away, and that she's only seen the baby like 7 times in 7 months. She texts asking if she can come (usually that very day) and complains they ignore her. My dad and mum have both showed up to brother's house uninvited without warning to find my brother closing the door in their faces. Apparently they are disrespectful. The other day, she did the same and then went home and cried.
Cut to now, I'm expecting my first LO. Mum told me she would come after the birth to help me. I said no, you can visit after two weeks with my little brother and my dad (with their car, so they can go and do tourist stuff during the day and leave us alone). I explained that this time is important to me and DH to bond with LO and focus on our family. Answer: "It's important to me too". So what?! Then she phoned my sister to complain I didn't want her to come after LO's birth. My sister said to cut the crap, I said after two weeks, not never (love my sister!).
DH is very shy and embarrassed about doing things he is not familiar with and I do not want my mother interfering with his discovering how to be a dad. He will have two weeks off and will spend them with his wife and LO.
Then my mum said stuff about how it is her right as maternal grandmother to see the baby first.
I hated how she was telling me what to do with Dne in the summer. Basically, my brother had put Dne between himself and me and my mum kept telling me to do this and that with the baby and then telling me hold his head like I had no clue. There is no way I am going to do something against the parents' wishes! So now I am worried she will tell DH and her what to do. And now she is saying maybe she will be able to come, maybe not. Should I ask for a definite plan or let it go and tough luck if they don't come?
My mum has also criticised DH for not being able to speak my mother tongue fluently (he is learning) but she makes no effort to speak his language (to me and to my sister). All my siblings communicate with DH in my language or his and see no problem with it, although they are not fluent. She wants to control what I translate to him as he can't understand everything when we speak too fast. She also said I need to teach my language to my LO so that my parents can communicate with LO. Not because it's good for LO or anything, so that THEY won't have any effort to make.
We usually spend one Christmas in this country with DH's family, one Christmas in mine with my family. I am tired of doing this. I said this year we do Christmas here with LO in our home. To be nice, I invited my family over. Sister is thrilled to come. Mum is already saying she doesn't know if they can come, it's not easy and guilt tripping me. My sister said to not change my plans. I think we are totally enmeshed.
Anyway, my question is: am I right to be wary of what can happen around LO's birth? I don't want to CO or TO at the moment, unless either MIL or mum boundary stomps. What strategies would you put in place? I have read all the best of threads and I am getting so nervous. Are MIL and mum toxic?
Thank you for reading! It is very long, but I tried to include everything relevant.
ETA to add paragraphs and fix typos.