DH and I would like some help addressing some issues with MIL. She plays the victim very well, so text/email is probably the best way to prevent our words from being twisted.
Some background:
Outsiders perceive MIL as a total bitch-- as do I. She can act nice, but still gives off a strong "I'm better than you" vibe. I've always felt that she dislikes me for "replacing" her in her son's life. Ewww! FIL is okay, but a total enabler-- if MIL doesn't get her way and pouts to him, he'll call us and essentially tell us to fix it. I still haven't figured out if he can see the stunts she pulls or not. Either he's totally oblivious, or he sees it and looks the other way. In a recent conversation, we were discussing LO's birthday party. DH and I only invited LO's grandparents and aunts and uncles. MIL mentioned she might bring DH's aunt. We said that's fine, but we didn't send her an invite because we had to draw the line somewhere. (We like this aunt a lot. She's always very good to us and she's closer to us-- distance wise-- than PIL's.) MIL then says "oh, well I don't have to bring her. That's totally fine." Making FIL, who is sitting next to her, think that we don't want her to come. TOTAL MANIPULATION!
Since having LO, it's clear they think we should be spending more time with them. Mainly, MIL is bent out of shape that we won't travel (3 hours) for holidays so she can watch LO open presents at her house. She called DH, made sure I wasn't around, then cried about how we never come to her house and she feels like she's missing out on the "grandma experience" and how she thinks we act like her house isn't good enough because we don't go there. Every single time she wants to complain about something we do or don't do (which isn't very often because normally she shuts down and gives us the silent treatment, leaving us to guess what we did wrong) she makes sure I'm out of ear shot. She knows her guilt trips do not work on me. DH tries to shut her down sometimes, but ultimately she wins because she'll badger him until he gives up. She knows he is the weakest link.
She asks me for Christmas/birthday present lists for LO every year, but won't buy anything on them because it's a list of practical things and those aren't fun. The last time she asked what LO needs I told her 2-3 items and said if she's interested in purchasing them, I'll sent her links to the specific items. She ignored me. This isn't anything new. If I ask her a question about something (GPIL's birthday stuff, family reunion, whatever) she'll ignore me to make me chase her. We told her numerous times that LO does not need any clothes right now. We have plenty in the next 4 sizes, and have no where to store anything else. She rolls her eyes and continues to buy things because "they're just so cute!"
Basically, we need a nice way to call her out on her pity party. We want to let her know we see exactly what she's doing and it's unacceptable. Her divide and conquer attempts need to stop. Her entitlement needs to stop. The grandma experience she wants and the one she's going to get are never going to be the same. We want to be respected as adults and parents. Please help us draft something.
Some background:
Outsiders perceive MIL as a total bitch-- as do I. She can act nice, but still gives off a strong "I'm better than you" vibe. I've always felt that she dislikes me for "replacing" her in her son's life. Ewww! FIL is okay, but a total enabler-- if MIL doesn't get her way and pouts to him, he'll call us and essentially tell us to fix it. I still haven't figured out if he can see the stunts she pulls or not. Either he's totally oblivious, or he sees it and looks the other way. In a recent conversation, we were discussing LO's birthday party. DH and I only invited LO's grandparents and aunts and uncles. MIL mentioned she might bring DH's aunt. We said that's fine, but we didn't send her an invite because we had to draw the line somewhere. (We like this aunt a lot. She's always very good to us and she's closer to us-- distance wise-- than PIL's.) MIL then says "oh, well I don't have to bring her. That's totally fine." Making FIL, who is sitting next to her, think that we don't want her to come. TOTAL MANIPULATION!
Since having LO, it's clear they think we should be spending more time with them. Mainly, MIL is bent out of shape that we won't travel (3 hours) for holidays so she can watch LO open presents at her house. She called DH, made sure I wasn't around, then cried about how we never come to her house and she feels like she's missing out on the "grandma experience" and how she thinks we act like her house isn't good enough because we don't go there. Every single time she wants to complain about something we do or don't do (which isn't very often because normally she shuts down and gives us the silent treatment, leaving us to guess what we did wrong) she makes sure I'm out of ear shot. She knows her guilt trips do not work on me. DH tries to shut her down sometimes, but ultimately she wins because she'll badger him until he gives up. She knows he is the weakest link.
She asks me for Christmas/birthday present lists for LO every year, but won't buy anything on them because it's a list of practical things and those aren't fun. The last time she asked what LO needs I told her 2-3 items and said if she's interested in purchasing them, I'll sent her links to the specific items. She ignored me. This isn't anything new. If I ask her a question about something (GPIL's birthday stuff, family reunion, whatever) she'll ignore me to make me chase her. We told her numerous times that LO does not need any clothes right now. We have plenty in the next 4 sizes, and have no where to store anything else. She rolls her eyes and continues to buy things because "they're just so cute!"
Basically, we need a nice way to call her out on her pity party. We want to let her know we see exactly what she's doing and it's unacceptable. Her divide and conquer attempts need to stop. Her entitlement needs to stop. The grandma experience she wants and the one she's going to get are never going to be the same. We want to be respected as adults and parents. Please help us draft something.