Okay. I have some BG here, not sure how to link it on my phone. Not sure how much of it is even relevant. But I'm really sad for my DH, and have no idea how to help him without emoting for him or making things worse... Basically I need some pointers on how to talk to DH about this situation.
I had a baby yesterday. DH and I sent an email to family members announcing his arrival, stats, name, and that they can call us to arrange to visit if they want (I don't mind pp visits, I promise). Here's the catch:
When we got married 7 years ago, I kept my last name. Not to go into a long explanation about how we ended up here, but DH and I believe that in our case, names are about personal identity, not family identity. When our DD(4) was born, we discussed whose last name she would have, his or mine (we didn't want to hyphenate). Her first and middle names were chosen with much meaning from family names that meant a lot to us. I wanted her to have his last name to honor him. She does. Nobody was privy to this discussion, and as having your dad's last name is the social norm, nobody batted an eye.
Now we have a son. We spent months talking about his name, all three parts. After much research, pro and con lists, etc, we decided to give him my last name. We knew there would be comments about how weird we are (we get those anyway), and probably the odd stuck up relative that would make a stink, but we're already on ELC with most of his aunts and uncles anyway.
When DH sent out the announcement email, his mother immediately started blowing up his phone. He had turned it off for the night. When he got up this morning he had several texts to call her, many missed calls, and an email full of personal questions he "didn't address in the announcement" (because he had no intention of answering them, like "is OP all torn up down there"...seriously?). The last question was "I thought you hated having two middle names?"
DH has two middle names. The second one is MILs maiden name. His whole family assumed we were giving DS his last name and had just forgotten to tack it on in the announcement. He called her a few hours later. He bean dipped her inappropriate questions, and when she asked the middle name question again, he told her the truth...DS doesn't have two. She flipped her shit.
DH arrived here to visit DS and I in tears. He relayed some of the conversation to me, and it was insanely disrespectful. In my opinion he engaged her too much, but he didn't Jade much at all (lots of "we don't owe anyone an explanation mom"). She kept asking him how he could do this to his Dad. He ended the conversation. She texted him a half non apology (she genuinely apologized for being so rude on the phone, admitted she was wrong, admitted she shouldn't be responsible for communicating on behalf of other people, but not for any of the things she said specifically and threw a little "I for one don't care, I just care about your dad." In at the end.)
I told him that I'm sorry she mistreated him, asked him if he was feeling any regrets about our choice (he's not), and moved on. I know he has to be the one to deal with it, and I can't emote for him, but I don't know if I'm handling this right. He's so sad about this. Can I help him? What can I say to help?
I had a baby yesterday. DH and I sent an email to family members announcing his arrival, stats, name, and that they can call us to arrange to visit if they want (I don't mind pp visits, I promise). Here's the catch:
When we got married 7 years ago, I kept my last name. Not to go into a long explanation about how we ended up here, but DH and I believe that in our case, names are about personal identity, not family identity. When our DD(4) was born, we discussed whose last name she would have, his or mine (we didn't want to hyphenate). Her first and middle names were chosen with much meaning from family names that meant a lot to us. I wanted her to have his last name to honor him. She does. Nobody was privy to this discussion, and as having your dad's last name is the social norm, nobody batted an eye.
Now we have a son. We spent months talking about his name, all three parts. After much research, pro and con lists, etc, we decided to give him my last name. We knew there would be comments about how weird we are (we get those anyway), and probably the odd stuck up relative that would make a stink, but we're already on ELC with most of his aunts and uncles anyway.
When DH sent out the announcement email, his mother immediately started blowing up his phone. He had turned it off for the night. When he got up this morning he had several texts to call her, many missed calls, and an email full of personal questions he "didn't address in the announcement" (because he had no intention of answering them, like "is OP all torn up down there"...seriously?). The last question was "I thought you hated having two middle names?"
DH has two middle names. The second one is MILs maiden name. His whole family assumed we were giving DS his last name and had just forgotten to tack it on in the announcement. He called her a few hours later. He bean dipped her inappropriate questions, and when she asked the middle name question again, he told her the truth...DS doesn't have two. She flipped her shit.
DH arrived here to visit DS and I in tears. He relayed some of the conversation to me, and it was insanely disrespectful. In my opinion he engaged her too much, but he didn't Jade much at all (lots of "we don't owe anyone an explanation mom"). She kept asking him how he could do this to his Dad. He ended the conversation. She texted him a half non apology (she genuinely apologized for being so rude on the phone, admitted she was wrong, admitted she shouldn't be responsible for communicating on behalf of other people, but not for any of the things she said specifically and threw a little "I for one don't care, I just care about your dad." In at the end.)
I told him that I'm sorry she mistreated him, asked him if he was feeling any regrets about our choice (he's not), and moved on. I know he has to be the one to deal with it, and I can't emote for him, but I don't know if I'm handling this right. He's so sad about this. Can I help him? What can I say to help?