Sorry this is so long - here is some back story: I met my DH about 10.5 years ago – within the first few months of meeting him a bunch of stuff happened with his parents:
- When we first met he told me that his parents were pretty dependent on him – even though they live about 300 miles away (totally different city area – very HCOL) - and htey might eventually need to live with him.
- A few months after we met - he was moving to my area from about 90 miles away - he rented an apartment for himself - but by the time it was available – his mother and father had gone into pre-foreclosure on their house. After talking to me about it first (and knowing he could stay with me) he gave them the money to prevent foreclosure (about 15k) – his father was sick with heart condition and diabetes and his mother also needed knew replacement and other medical issues. He really was trying to help them so much.
- When we went up there to visit we had to stay in a hotel – he said the house needed decluttering and repairs and not fit for guests. It was bad, cluttered, mid-level hoarding scale.
- A few months later instead of paying me rent he gave them money to fix their car – I dug deeper and learned that he was giving him $2,000 a month from his net paycheck direct deposited to their account to "help them out." They still weren’t paying their bills with it – coming to him in a panic for these things. They had Social Security and multiple pensions coming to them (over 4k a month net) and his $2,000 means they were bringing in more money than us.’ So they had money to pay bills,just were not choosing to. She was however able to buy tons on QVC/HSN.
- FIL had a stroke - MIL was unable/unwilling to call an ambulance (because of the dog) - DH talked her through this and FIL got to the hospital. He was in a coma about 6 weeks before dying right after Christmas.
- I tried to help her mutliple times to make budget plans that would work - she would talk in circle about it - confuse me and then not do anything.
- Over the course of the 10 years before he met me he “loaned” them about $80,000 for these scenarios – which they “swore on a stack of bibles they would pay him back with interest” out of the equity in the house.
- I gave him an ultimatum and told him if that continued we were done. DH told her she was not getting any more bailouts and has stuck to that.
- After FIL died - she got 120-140k in life insurance money checks –refused to pay him back anything she owed him. She got a no-cash-no points reverse mortgage because she said she could not handle her mortgage because "the rate was too high."
We got married about 18 months later (8 years ago now). All along they (then just his mom) have talked about moving closer to him, he is an only child. We told her that we were willing to help her move (downsize – she is in a 3-4 level townhouse with lots of steps, 2 bad knees and 2 dogs) before we had kids (we planning on trying asap), but after kids came along we were not helping. She and my DH had 2 dogs they “shared” custody of so having her closer would have been good for that also. She refused. She used the dogs as leverage to try to control him and get things/money/help from him.
8 years and 2 boys later (6 year and 1 year).
- We have not been up to visit her for 6 years – she keeps insisting on coming here to visit – she has to stay in a hotel. We have kept it to 1-2 per year. Pretty low contact.
- Last visit was Thanksgiving – it was not a good one – she was falling asleep at restaurants/ while we were driving her in our car – in the parking lot in her own car after meeting us for lunch – I knew something was wrong. DH insisted that the more he tries to help her the less she will do to help herself. One night she threw a fit at 11:00 pm after we dropped her at hotel – called and said we had to come back because her and dog were “thrown out on the street” of the hotel. We did not turn around and go back – turns out they asked her to move to a dog-friendly section of the hotel since her dog was barking all day. They gave her another room – she never moved and still hadn’t left town 4-5 days later.
- In May we got calls that they were going to take her house – because even though she has a reverse mortgage (no payment) – she hasn’t paid the taxes and is going to foreclosed. She "struck a deal" with the bank to hand over the deed in lieu of foreclosure. DH Is understandably upset since he warned her long ago about this as a possibility. He does not talk to her for about 6 weeks since he is enraged. He really still thought he would get paid back from teh equity in the house, clearly that was not going to happen.
- He told her she had to deal with it since she insisted she could handle things and should live on her own.
- Labor Day – we got messages that she needed “next of kin” information and to “pray for her and the dog.” He called and talked to her and she was insistent that she did not need to call an ambulance – but she hadn’t eaten or drank – or been out of the house - for 10-14 days. She said her friend was coming to take her to the hospital later that day. He told her if her friends weren’t there by a certain time he was calling an ambulance. That time came and went – he called the non-emergency police and asked them to do a welfare check.
- MIL calls DH upset that she "called the cops" on him - they are there - ambulance is there - her friend is there - but she is refusing to go. They had to dig a trench to take her out of the house and found her sitting on the floor in her own waste.
- Police called back in about an hour. They had to dig her out through all the clutter and filth to get to her. Her friends had been bringing her food since she was trapped in the house. Those friends did not call us and tell us (her request). Police said it was in the top 5 worst hoarder home he had ever seen in 20 years on the force right outside NYC. The dog had been stuck in the house with her too.
- She could no longer walk or get up. Severely dehydrated. She heard them say that her kidneys were still ok and she would "bounce back." She assumes this means she will go back home. Police called the Board of Health for the house.
- We went up there a couple days later to get the dog – and to get sentimental things that matter to my DH The house is covered in waste – human and pet – we wore trash bags on our feet - masks and gloves - to get the items DH wanted– his dad’s ashes – pets ashes – photos and yearbooks. Even with the protection there were entire rooms we were unable ot enter. Turns out she hasn't paid property taxes for 3 years - or HOA fees - utility bills are all months behind - credit card bills also - car lease payment 3 months behind.
- She was in the hospital 9 days – then transferred to a local nursing home/rehab facility. Insisted her plan is to go back home and “clean things up” and walk away since the house is being foreclosedon anyways (deadline is September 14)
- She is in tremendous denial about her ability to take care of herself in any capacity.
- She tells all the social workers she is moving in with us – not happening.
- She tells them she is moving to near where we live – they don’t think she can handle assisted living - she needs nursing home care. She has no money and tons of debt.
She thinks my DH is going to go get her stuff out of the house – he says no way – he told her years ago that something like this was going to happen.
- She says all sorts of things about how I stole him away from her – she thinks he would have moved back in and rescued her if I were not in the picture. She says she thinks I am trying to get her committed so that I can steal her son. She says “just because I cannot take care of a few physical needs does not mean I am incompetent.”
So now:
- She needs to stay in a nursing home – and get Medicaid to pay for it. Someone had to apply for it and help her make that happen. Everyone involved seems to think that my DH and I will just handle it from here for her. Even if we were willing (which we aren't) she fights every step. She is not living in the present when we try to talk with her or her social worker about it.
- If she moves to a nursing home near us – she will have to discontinue her coverage in her state - then apply for Medicaid in a different state 30 days later. This all gets very squirrely. The place she is now is 109,000 per year.
Her friends and social workers are expecting us to step in a rescue her and take care of things and move her down here – but she treats us like crap, has no basic in reality, why should we even try? And if we tried we are fighting her every step of the way. She is so ugly and nasty to my DH – and about 50/50 nice/nasty to me.
In the midst of this – my DH got laid off from his job of 7 years that was his dream job, so now she is thinking he has time to help her – but not concerned with the effects on him.
Should I link the historical post here too?
Thank you for reading - sorry so long, any suggestions?
http://community.babycenter.com/post/a21408369/unscheduled_visit_from_mil?cpg=2#c2108955298
http://community.babycenter.com/post/a27704929/funniest_thing_i_heard_all_weekend?cpg=2#c2342254262
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