Hello! I will give a little background and then share what has recently unfolded.
Background: I have been married over 5 years and have been in a relationship with my husband for almost 7 years. We have a 15 month old child. Our child is basically the apple of our eye haha and my husband has honestly developed into an incredible father and is a loving husband. We have minor, typical couples issues of not getting enough time together and the occasional squabble over chores (we share household responsibilities and childcare) but my husband has grown by leaps and bounds and is incredible!! We try to do tons of stuff together as a family and I am very proud how adventurous we are. My MIL has never, ever liked me. My hubby is an only child and I can understand that she might feel like I’ve ‘taken him away’, he began drinking a little when he met me “which is evil”, and I have a radically different background than her…I’m a working mother and she doesn’t believe in women working except in childcare and believes that they should be submissive. With her and to some degree, my FIL it is always tick-for tack and they take note of each and every time we visit my parents and complain incessantly that we don’t visit them enough. Since I was pregnant, my MIL has gone out of her way to disregard our wishes: we had a nursery theme-she tried to change it by purchasing things totally different. We said no electronics-they gave him only electronics. We decided to get rid of our dog due to a multitude of issues-she attacked me and tried to pit my husband against me (she failed).
Current: Things got pretty testy the past two weeks after my in-laws visited us over the weekend. We had planned for them to come on Sunday and stay til Tuesday morning as my MIL had an important doctor’s appointment on Monday near us. I had a very busy Saturday planned which included visiting a nearby pool association that we plan to join next summer. We were invited by another Mom so I went with my son that afternoon (right before they came over). My MIL was upset that I didn’t invite her to the pool (I mentioned it would be fun next summer once we are members for them to come and hang at the pavilion-they don’t swim). All Sunday, my FIL and husband were working on a project in my basement and I still had to clean my house (it was really a mess). I let my MIL hang with my child all day while I cleaned and tried to chat. My MIL ended up giving me the silent treatment all day, ignoring me when I spoke her to 99% of the time and barely acknowledging my child as he did not warm to her immediately. My husband spoke with my FIL about why his mom was acting like that and his only response was, ‘when are you letting (said child) have electronics??’ my hubby explained the research that says it is not healthy and we weren’t doing electronics….his Dad got upset that the little people’s barn that my parents gave (I said it would be a great gift) made little animal noises on the door when opened (we had no idea) and said it was unfair….in-laws gave a ride-on toy that was seriously electronic and we ended up letting our child keep it but said NO MORE to both sets of grandparents. We feel it ultimately came down to the fact that they don’t respect our parenting style.
Fast forward to last night….my MIL sent an email laying out all her grievances:
she is upset about time that my parents get more time (not true…I added it up including planned time the rest of the year and my in laws get 27 days and my parents 19). She brought up a number of instances including when we stayed at a lake 30 min from their house for a week with my parents (so they could also come whenever but they only came once), not spending actual Christmas with them (logistics are too hard---we always do a Christmas celebration the week before), ect. She said we could have Thanksgiving at my home sometime but we tried that one year and they refused, coming the following day after eating McD’s and barely touching our homemade food. Our 1st Christmas married Christmas, we invited them to our 1st apartment that we lovingly decorated and I had baked 5 types of cookies and basically went way over the top being the excited newlywed and they wouldn’t touch anything I made at all (it was edible and delicious). So we’ve altered how we plan holidays due to their behavior and now I don’t put any effort into baking or cooking, I just make whatever they like or have them make it themselves at my house. We also have given an open invitation for them to come up during the week for a day and take my child to the children’s museum or park (both are handicapped accessible and we have a membership to the museum)….never have come.
She is upset about toys: basically the same thing brought up before about electronics….she’s mad we let the child play with 2 electronic toys that were given over Christmas- we turned off the batteries and relented but again, have said no more. We tried to be understanding that they initially did not realize to not get electronics (We told them but didn’t say no batteries). She feels like we pick on them and even though I provided them with a very long list of possible, appropriate toys (not brands just general ideas for all budgets), she’s upset she doesn’t get total freedom.
Lastly, she is upset that I have an opinion and I share it. I don’t mind if she shares her opinion but because I share my opinion and engage in debate (I never say-your wrong or anything like that)…there is no talking to me apparently and she gives me the silent treatment. E.g. I mentioned I disliked being automatically sent formula samples when I breastfeed and felt it discouraged breastfeeding and said that I felt women should not automatically be given those but if they want them-fine, they should have ample access. She gave me the silent treatment the rest of the weekend.
Basically, my husband responded by citing research for the toys, bringing up the past holidays, and basically openly confronted her and defended me. He told her that I’m his wife, the mother of his son, and he is never leaving me so she needs to get over it. This was the first major confrontation they’ve really had. At this point, I’m not sure where we go from here….but we are the parents, we make the decisions for his play, food, and how we spend our time. They don’t dictate how we spend our time and we’ve already gone way above and beyond reaching out. For years, I have taken time to try and bond with my mil by sharing pictures of my child, videos, and new things he’s doing….she uses it against me and it’s never good enough so I’m not playing into it anymore. Any advice how to address this that we haven’t already done??
Background: I have been married over 5 years and have been in a relationship with my husband for almost 7 years. We have a 15 month old child. Our child is basically the apple of our eye haha and my husband has honestly developed into an incredible father and is a loving husband. We have minor, typical couples issues of not getting enough time together and the occasional squabble over chores (we share household responsibilities and childcare) but my husband has grown by leaps and bounds and is incredible!! We try to do tons of stuff together as a family and I am very proud how adventurous we are. My MIL has never, ever liked me. My hubby is an only child and I can understand that she might feel like I’ve ‘taken him away’, he began drinking a little when he met me “which is evil”, and I have a radically different background than her…I’m a working mother and she doesn’t believe in women working except in childcare and believes that they should be submissive. With her and to some degree, my FIL it is always tick-for tack and they take note of each and every time we visit my parents and complain incessantly that we don’t visit them enough. Since I was pregnant, my MIL has gone out of her way to disregard our wishes: we had a nursery theme-she tried to change it by purchasing things totally different. We said no electronics-they gave him only electronics. We decided to get rid of our dog due to a multitude of issues-she attacked me and tried to pit my husband against me (she failed).
Current: Things got pretty testy the past two weeks after my in-laws visited us over the weekend. We had planned for them to come on Sunday and stay til Tuesday morning as my MIL had an important doctor’s appointment on Monday near us. I had a very busy Saturday planned which included visiting a nearby pool association that we plan to join next summer. We were invited by another Mom so I went with my son that afternoon (right before they came over). My MIL was upset that I didn’t invite her to the pool (I mentioned it would be fun next summer once we are members for them to come and hang at the pavilion-they don’t swim). All Sunday, my FIL and husband were working on a project in my basement and I still had to clean my house (it was really a mess). I let my MIL hang with my child all day while I cleaned and tried to chat. My MIL ended up giving me the silent treatment all day, ignoring me when I spoke her to 99% of the time and barely acknowledging my child as he did not warm to her immediately. My husband spoke with my FIL about why his mom was acting like that and his only response was, ‘when are you letting (said child) have electronics??’ my hubby explained the research that says it is not healthy and we weren’t doing electronics….his Dad got upset that the little people’s barn that my parents gave (I said it would be a great gift) made little animal noises on the door when opened (we had no idea) and said it was unfair….in-laws gave a ride-on toy that was seriously electronic and we ended up letting our child keep it but said NO MORE to both sets of grandparents. We feel it ultimately came down to the fact that they don’t respect our parenting style.
Fast forward to last night….my MIL sent an email laying out all her grievances:
she is upset about time that my parents get more time (not true…I added it up including planned time the rest of the year and my in laws get 27 days and my parents 19). She brought up a number of instances including when we stayed at a lake 30 min from their house for a week with my parents (so they could also come whenever but they only came once), not spending actual Christmas with them (logistics are too hard---we always do a Christmas celebration the week before), ect. She said we could have Thanksgiving at my home sometime but we tried that one year and they refused, coming the following day after eating McD’s and barely touching our homemade food. Our 1st Christmas married Christmas, we invited them to our 1st apartment that we lovingly decorated and I had baked 5 types of cookies and basically went way over the top being the excited newlywed and they wouldn’t touch anything I made at all (it was edible and delicious). So we’ve altered how we plan holidays due to their behavior and now I don’t put any effort into baking or cooking, I just make whatever they like or have them make it themselves at my house. We also have given an open invitation for them to come up during the week for a day and take my child to the children’s museum or park (both are handicapped accessible and we have a membership to the museum)….never have come.
She is upset about toys: basically the same thing brought up before about electronics….she’s mad we let the child play with 2 electronic toys that were given over Christmas- we turned off the batteries and relented but again, have said no more. We tried to be understanding that they initially did not realize to not get electronics (We told them but didn’t say no batteries). She feels like we pick on them and even though I provided them with a very long list of possible, appropriate toys (not brands just general ideas for all budgets), she’s upset she doesn’t get total freedom.
Lastly, she is upset that I have an opinion and I share it. I don’t mind if she shares her opinion but because I share my opinion and engage in debate (I never say-your wrong or anything like that)…there is no talking to me apparently and she gives me the silent treatment. E.g. I mentioned I disliked being automatically sent formula samples when I breastfeed and felt it discouraged breastfeeding and said that I felt women should not automatically be given those but if they want them-fine, they should have ample access. She gave me the silent treatment the rest of the weekend.
Basically, my husband responded by citing research for the toys, bringing up the past holidays, and basically openly confronted her and defended me. He told her that I’m his wife, the mother of his son, and he is never leaving me so she needs to get over it. This was the first major confrontation they’ve really had. At this point, I’m not sure where we go from here….but we are the parents, we make the decisions for his play, food, and how we spend our time. They don’t dictate how we spend our time and we’ve already gone way above and beyond reaching out. For years, I have taken time to try and bond with my mil by sharing pictures of my child, videos, and new things he’s doing….she uses it against me and it’s never good enough so I’m not playing into it anymore. Any advice how to address this that we haven’t already done??